Welcome to Project Car Hell, where you choose your eternity by selecting the project that's the coolest... and the most hellish! Last time, we were not particularly shocked to see the Quadra-Citroëns obliterate the Tri-Alfas like a Pluton landing on Fangataufa. The Citroën is one tough customer when it comes to Project Car Hell, but four at once? We admit, that wasn't at all fair to the Alfas, but Italy will be back to reclaim that leaky PCH Trophy soon enough. Today we're going to have a good ol' fashioned one-on-one matchup, with a total of twenty-four cylinders going toe to toe. Mano a mano! That's right, it's Cheap V12 Hell Day!
We've had V12 hell before, but what happens when you put two $600 V12 machines together in the Hell Garage? They stay there forever, that's what! But you must choose your eternity here, which means you only get chained to one of these fine machines.
You know how much a brand-new BMW 750iL cost new? In 1992, you'd have paid your friendly BMW dealerman a staggering $76,500, which is about 120 grand in 2008 dollars. That means that the $600 price tag on this BMW 750iL (go here if the ad disappears) amounts to 0.5% of the purchase price, for a got-to-be-a-world-record 99.5% depreciation for a 16-year period. Actually, we're not sure it's a '92 model, because the seller doesn't bother to provide that info. The info he or she does provide, however,
scares the piss out of us makes the car look like a great deal. Yes, it runs! The list of problems, which we're pretty sure is by no means complete, reads like a good example of the newly-created genre of PCH Poetry: leaking gasoline battery is dead leaks engine oil radiator is punctured and leaking transmission slams through gears Steering box is very lose Alignment is off. AC does not work. Sunroof is permanently open (broken) Fuel tank cover is broken Hood stripped off paint Front left quarter panel is dented Loose or missing power seat switches and light covers Worn out leather Busted radio speakers (work in low to moderate volume range only) Flat spare tire and missing car tools. Broken fog lights
OK, there's some work to do here; we can't find a way of putting a completely positive spin on the car's condition. And, yes, we're thinking slam-dunk Index Of Effluency winner at the 24 Hours Of LeMons when we look at this thing… but to get that trophy, the car must complete a respectable number of laps, which means
an infinite a fair amount of work beforehand. Hey, how hard could it be to fix that transmission (cue evil laughter)?
It's a sign of our troubled economic times that you can get a V12 BMW for just 600 clams, or bones, or whatever you call them, but it's been possible to get a running Jaguar V12 for under a grand for years now. That means we need to find a fairly new one to make this a fair matchup, so that you might experience the luxurious wood-and-leather interior in somewhat-less-than-tattered condition. In 1994, the XJ12 saloon with 6.0 liter V12 engine sold for an awe-inspiring $79,370, which comes to about $118,000 in 2008 dollars; not quite as much as the 750iL, but that's mostly due to the extra few years of inflation involved here (though the indeterminate age of the BMW and other factors leaves open the door for some argument about which car has leaked away more value since sold). One thing we can't argue with, though, is the price for this 1994 Jaguar XJ12 (go here if the ad disappears): $600! Other than a brief mention of some
totally terrifying inconsequential fuel-system issues, the seller doesn't list a single problem with the car in the description, so maybe it's perfect! Just spin a couple wrenches for five minutes, drive it away, and enjoy Jaguar luxury and a smooth, smooth V12! Somehow, unfortunately, we figure it's not quite like that. The seller enjoys Random Capitalization Of Words, in what may be a subconscious attempt to make the description look sorta like it's written In German and persuade BMW buyers to go English instead, so let's put the Important Stuff together into a PCH Poem:
No Body Damage No Windshield Damage, No Rips to the Interior Great Sound Project Car V12 Engine (Which Is Not Blown) Room and time 4 New tires Fuel Work see the Car even if there was No Engine in it