Five Cars "Guaranteed" To Never Get You Laid

RideLust's Suzanne Denbow has created exactly what you'd expect from a site with a name all about a passionate desire for unlawful carnal car knowledge — a list of the ten cars "guaranteed to get you laid." Yeah, well, that's too easy. Everyone knows if you're a stud or a total hottie, you're going to get some action no matter what car you're driving, which is why we've got those quote marks around "Guaranteed" up top. What we really mean is we've got a list of the five vehicles that may make things a bit more difficult — which you can see after the jump.

5.) 2009 Chevrolet Aveo5

With fuel economy numbers of 27 city and 34 highway (with a manual tranny), the little fuel-sipping re-badged Daewoo is the first example we give when people tell us U.S. automakers can't sell small, fuel-efficient cars stateside at a profit. Suprisingly, what gets the Aveo/Aveo5 on this list isn't its looks because of both cars' bold redesigns for 2009. No, like all cars in its class, the Aveo5, despite being a hatchback, has wee bit of a problem. As with all things on earth (no matter what your significant other may tell you), size does matter. With 98 cu. ft. of interior volume, the only Kama Sutra positions you'll be attempting will be those you'll be trying sitting bolt upright in your seat. Heck, even the Chevy Aveo sedan's got more room — an extra 4.6 cu. ft. And yes, every inch does count.

4.) 2008 Jeep Commander / Dodge Durango / Chrysler Aspen E85

While there's certainly enough room, sometimes being too big hurts — like in your pocket book. The E85 versions of the big SUVs from The New Chrysler have the lowest EPA fuel economy in the segment — 9 MPG in the city and 12 MPG on the highway. When you're struggling to find the bank to pick up the bill at the end of the night, you probably won't be getting any action anyway.

3.) 2008 Jeep Compass

Despite the Jeep brand name, the Compass doesn't fit the role of a "dude" car. Nor is it a car for the ladies, despite the soft lines. Driving this car is like wearing a big sign that says "Hi, I'm Pat!" Interested parties will look at you in a confused way as they try to determine what your gender and sexual orientation actually is.

2.) 2008 Toyota Prius

Ah, the Prius. One would expect it to be the perfect GORP (Good Ol' Raisins and Peanuts) guy/gal car, right? Except the price point's too high for any real muncher of trail mix, so more than likely it's just a car for those looking to look good, not as much to actually be good. Also, who wants to sleep with someone so smug? (Sorry, just had to drop that one smug joke in.)

1.) ANY Minivan

We don't care what the LA Times' Dan Neil said — when you drive a minivan, it positively screams "Parent." As everyone knows, when you're married, you're certainly not getting any action unless it's for purposes of procreation. And really, who wants to sleep with someone who's married anyway?

Photo Credit: About.com, Car Data, West Coast Toyota, US Auto Sales

Send an email to Ray Wert, the author of this post, at ray@jalopnik.com.