Jalopnik
Exterior Design: **
Let's face it, it's a Hummer H3, and that means boxy and kinda cute like a GI Joe toy. The grille on the hood has no function, nor do the air breathers by the windshield. But, with 10.2" of ground clearance and huge knobbly tires, it does carry a certain air of purpose about it.
Interior Design: ***
An extra star for not using chrome plastics. The seats are perfection. With all the legroom in the backseat, it's a nice vehicle for passengers as well. The instrument panel lighting is attractive and easy to read.
Acceleration: ***
4.10 gears get these 2.5 tons of steel and plastic up and moving. It's not gonna blow anyone's doors off, but it does what it needs to in traffic.
Braking: ****
Big discs at each corner slow this thing down in a hurry, and the dynamic rear proportioning should keep the rubber rolling in the back regardless of load. There's no handbrake present, and that doesn't make a whole lot of sense. The vehicle will automatically engage brakes if it rolls backwards for 2 seconds, but a handbrake would have felt more natural.
Ride: **
Bouncy and truckish, but this is a pre-production model, so lets hope it gets smoothed out by the time it reaches showroom floors.
Handling: ***
Given the ride height and center of gravity, this thing actually handles pretty well. The massive sway bars in the front and back help cornering a lot and the new steering gearing (16:1, 3 1/8 lock-to-lock) made parking and general driving pretty easy.
Gearbox: ****
Its 50:1 crawl ratio and 4.03 low range lock make downhill grades virtually brake free and let the 4-speed HydraMatic do all the work, keeping 2.5 tons under control. Highway shifting is silky smooth.
Audio: **
The speakers are fine and amplification is decent, but where's the iPod jack? XM is great and all, but c'mon, even Aveo's have an AUX input jack these days. It can't cost that much to implement this, so it just seems like an annoying oversight.
Toys: ***
The nav/entertainment system is nice, but throws a distracting glare into the back window. The pushbutton 4x4 controls are easy to read and conveniently located above the radio. Monochrome reverse vision seems a bit dated, but probably gives a better image in low light situations. The sunroof improves off-road visibility, especially when crawling down steep grades. OnStar and XM are nice doodads as well, at least for the free trial periods.
Value: N/A
Can't really call this one until pricing is announced, but there's bound to be a premium on the Hummer brand.
Overall: **
Probably the most complete vehicle in the Hummer range, the H3T improves on its relatives' best attributes — off-road ability and macho styling — but still suffers from the same problems - 'roid rage styling and enormous dimensions for relatively little storage space. A plain old pickup would be cheaper and more practical. Still, if you must have a Hummer, this is the one to get.
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Comments
Chuggin' smog near and far,
But you're dressed like a star,
Rockin' Ted Nugent on your MP3 player.
All the normal people can see,
Your Hummer H3T,
And just know you have a little peepee.
Cuz they all look the same,
You guzzle gas with no shame,
And that's the whole claim to fame.
Never take it off road,
And won't carry a load,
'Cause God forbid any dirt showed.
You act like a player,
Your Peeps think you're a millionaire
But you're really in debt up to your nose hair.
You look like a baller,
Say you can't drive a car,
'Cause you say "I'm six foot two or taller".
before I read the post, i gotta say, nice first pic. wtf!
and those wheels make me want to barf.
How small does your penis have to be to drive a hummer outside of a combat situation?
Fantastic lead picture, gents. All I can think, when I see that, is "WHEEEEEEEEEEE!"
@feckineejit: Slightly bigger than the guy driving the H3.
I gotta say tho, the whole Hummer Hatorade thing is really getting a bit played out. Hating Hummers is like enjoying Coldplay.
@13oostedwgn: is coldplay anything like foreplay? 'cause that I like!
Everyone is upset because they didn't show the El Camino version first.
I thought I would like this due to the LM002 vibe it gives off, but I can't, I just can't. I tried, and I tried, but it still makes me gag.
@FreeMan:
Coldplay is what happens before foreplay.
@13oostedwgn: The hating coldplay thing is just as played out as hating Hummers.
Ride: **
Bouncy and truckish. Is it not a truck?
@feckineejit: [Holds pinky finger at first joint] About this big.
Please stop equating civilian Hummers of any iteration (H3, H2 and arguably even H1's) to anything military.
You're falling into GM's trap.
There is NOTHING military about the Hummer product line.
The only true military "Hummer" is the HMMWV ("high mobility multi wheeled vehicle"), referred to as the "humvee".
Thanks
C
Dude, did you just say "little peepee?"
@feckineejit: This hummer is quite different from the Military one. It just looks like the other one, but like the review said, a lot of the things there are only to make it look manly. I love how you can drive a similarly engined GMC or Cadillac SUV, and that's OK, but as soon as it gets more boxy and they put big a big vertical grille on it, people get all upset. The few that they'll actually sell will hardly make any impact. You'd be better off spending your hate on something that actually causes pollution, like coal fired power plants and garbage incinerators, but then again, you don't see a coal fired power plant rolling on by on a daily basis, so as long as it's out of sight, you can continue to hate the tip of the ice berg... (The cliches are two for one today, didn't you hear?)
Oh, Mr. Walker - "...even Aveo's have an AUX input jack these days." - you don't need an apostrophe there, since "have" gives it possession already. Sorry, I just had to...
I've liked Coldplay since they were on the Fierce Panda label and I've liked Hummers since the only thing you could buy was the H1. And it was made by AM General. And the only engine was a 150-hp diesel.
Are there actually 16 lug nuts on each wheel, or are those just more decorative testosterone replacements?
My problem with the H2 and H3 is not so much their price or gas guzzling, but that they compromise off-road ability with styling that is meant to suggest better off-road ability.
@nick2ny:
Yea, I have to agree. That is a cool way to erase the side out of an H3. I hope that thin has heavy duty rock rails/nerf bars.
I wish it came with a diesel that would bellow black smoke out of its exhausts, forcing following traffic to turn on their headlights during daytime.
Projected Image: *
Let's face it - no matter how capable it is, you're still going to look like a douchenozzle driving one.
@smokeydog001: I want it to run on waste veggie oil, so the people behind are forced to turn on their lights AND smell Krispy Kreme donuts or taquitos while going down the interstate.
That's got to be the automotive equivalent of making someone else smell your farts.
I appreciate the uniqueness and style of it and for people like me that's all I need.
I like the Holden Ute/G8 El ST Amino for the same reason. Normal trucks are boring, these have a nice twist. Bonus points for real off-road capability and non-watered down ride and handling.
@Citroen_SM: I think it's because the H2 is so brash and proud of its conspicuous consumption. It's a lightning rod for all SUV hatred. Plus, I dunno, wanting to drive something because it looks like a military truck? That's always sorta struck me as the logic of the playground bully, 30 years later.
Still, if this can end up in situations where the sunroof can be used for legitimate visibility, it can't be all bad.
@cyclopticgaze: Those are beadlocks.
They hold the tire to the wheel, allowing you to air down your tires to ~8psi offroad without blowing the bead. They're questionably street-legal and definitely not a factory option.
I'm surprised nobody's bashed the cut-n-paste job on the lead pic, yet. Seriously, Photoshop is fun and all, but it doesn't bother you that they couldn't get the real one this far off-road for a pic?
It's 'shopped worse than the flying Challenger...
hmmmm...
.
wow! am i the first not to engage in a pointless self-serving pissing match argument with half the other posters on any of the numerous reasons why the hummer brand is a failure and why people do not care for or appreciate any of the models now that the H1 is gone, and point out that in the lead picture the H3 looks to be leaning on the rock face? and is that why there are no pictures of the passenger side?
whats the deal jalopnik guys? did you wreck it or what?
@iamverb: i dunno. look at the shadows and angles.
@iamverb: Could the picture be from the first article where they make mention of the following:
"During an obstacle called Hell's Gate, the truck wound up losing footing and tipping the passenger side into the cliff face, but the tires kept any of the side panels from getting damaged and allowed the Hummer to climb right out of the hole."
Perhaps?
@iamverb: I'd bet $5 that picture's real.
(might be filtered/adjusted in PS, but the premise/placement is real)
@orangeroller: capital letters are the devil's tool!
@JoeKing: Looks it. Another shot of Hell's Gate from roughly the same angle:
It looks like that Challenger is jumping straight out of Hell.
@Maymar: yeah, but driving something that looks like a racecar is less douchetastic? whatever.
and riding a bicycle down a public road while dressed like you are about to run the Tour de France? also equallly douchetastic.
There are plenty of douches in the world. the Army ones are a relatively small percentage.
Everyone bitches about the Hummer just like they do about the Rolls. They really aren't practical vehicals but who gives a fuck, I want one, but I can't afford one, so I'll bitch about all the people who do have one.
If you've got the money to buy a Hummer, you've got the money to import a Defender; so you've got no reason to own a Hummer.
@drewheyman: People buy Hummers because of the "big pimpin" image it presents, not because it does anything better than any of the other comparable vehicles in GM's lineup. The drivers are douches because of the conspicuous consumption aspect, the fact that they paid extra for their Hummers so they could look cool.
When I ride my bicycle down the street, the jersey is there to keep me cool, and the bike shorts are there to protect my ass, there's no "looking cool" involved.
You can't put it all on Hummer, people buy a Sequoia for the same reasons. But now they've got a "green" gas hog because Toyota makes Prius (I'll never figure that logic out).
People buy Harleys for the same reasons. People buy Corvettes and Porsches for the same reasons. To show off, to overcompensate, because mommy and daddy didn't hug them enough, because it looks good in front of their massively mortgaged home.
It's an inanimate object, you're giving it too much credit. Sure a lot of douche bags buy them. Douche bags have ruined much of what was good in the world. But if a rusted out 1977 Suburban can 4 wheel, this thing sure as hell should be able to.
@Mad_Science: yes they are! plus they take too long to type.
@elwood: shaddap. i rode a bike as a kid in jeans, in my big fat cold weather jacket or in just my undies. you don't need all that stuff.
I do my rock crawling the old-fashioned way: chalk on my hands and sticky rubber on my feet.
@orangeroller: @JoeKing: @Mad_Science:
Didn't mean to ruffle any feathers.
I'm sure they really did take it to Hell's Gate, and I'm sure it was totally a blast hurtling the H3TA up and out of Satan's ass-crack. Maybe they even got some sweet air off it.
It's just, you know, that this pic looks fake. The shadows don't line up and there's fuzzy floating darkness obscuring everything to the left of and underneath the front end of the truck, like shows up when you want to hide the edges of a paste.
Maybe I'm wrong and it's just that someone went overboard making the truck look like it's popping out of the background unnaturally, but it wouldn't be the first time the 'shop was used to convey the feeling of a real event in a way the real pic didn't.
I am not a big fan of GM re-badging their trucks as Hummers. The one true Hummer is the H1 or HMMWV. I wish more of the H1 features would be offered at least as options on the rest of them.
Still, GM has done a bit better with this one and are heading in the right direction.
For interesting reading, look into the mechanicals/off road qualities of an H1, blows my mind..
@iamverb: With our propensity for calling Chrysler people, do you really think we'd make the same mistake ourselves?
Wow, I'm not thinking clearly today. Should have read "With our propensity for calling people out for bad photoshopping, do you really think we'd make the same mistake ourselves?"
I'd really like to think you guys hold us in higher regard than this. Tell me it isn't true. :'(
All of these need to be crushed into cubes.
Nice little motor for the inner city!!! Jeez, you have to be a total asshole to want to own one of these stupid stupid cars!
hummer hate must stop.... and stop now.
we must all band together, and embrace the hummer. matter of fact, I think I will go over to my wife right now and ask her to embrace a hummer.
on a serious note, all your jackholes that bash anything larger than a mini... please... graduate from your junior college... start a family... and then you will realize that real life means that you need different tools for different jobs.
sometimes that sockermom DOES need a suburban and sometimes those blue collar folk who make your fat ass comfortable while hacking at your ergonomic keyboard DO need a hummer.
@Wes Siler: Then I stand corrected! Fuzzy black ghosting be damned.
Landing that beast must've been fun.
("Chrysler people"...snort...chortle)