Here at Jalopnik, we really love cars. We just don't really love cars, if you get our drift. But, that doesn't make us want to discriminate against those that do. With the aim of increasing public awareness and improving garage safety we're pasting below a guide on 4-wheeled luvin', including the construction of a Sexual Interface Unit. This is seriously not safe for work.
Photo credit: Frumbert
Dekhyr Dragon's Guide to Sex with Cars (for males)
Howdy. Read this entire document before trying any of the steps.
'Having sex with a car'. The phrase is sometimes misunderstood to
mean sex in a car, and sometimes is greeted with skepticism. How can you
have sex with a car? The short answer is, up the tailpipe.
The long answer is much more involved, including techniques,
precautions and cautions all designed to get you maximum satisfaction from
screwing a car. Our first subject will be the tailpipe.
The tailpipe of the car is, of course, where the exhaust comes out.
So in this sense, the tailpipe is an anus.
First we will deal with some cautions you should know about.
In most cars, the edge of the tailpipe is sharp. You should
therefore exercise caution when doing anything with the tailpipe.
If the engine has been on for a long (or even a relatively short)
period of time, the tailpipe will be hot. Do not do anything with the
tailpipe hot. Wait until the tailpipe has cooled off. The tailpipe will
cool off faster than the engine, so you don't have long to wait. I call
screwing the car while the tailpipe is hot, "fucking the car hot". Never fuck a car hot. I did, once. Once.
The exhaust from a car contains poisonous gases. One of these,
carbon monoxide, is a slow killer. Carbon monoxide takes a long time to
be flushed out of the body, so it can build up to toxic levels without
your knowing it.
Never do anything with the tailpipe while the engine is on!
Now, the first thing you should note is that the inside of the
tailpipe is usually coated with soot. This is the usual particulate debris
of combustion. Before having sex with the car, clean the inside of the
tailpipe with soap and warm water, as far as you can go. Keep in mind
the possibly sharp edge of the tailpipe.
Now that the tailpipe is clean, you are ready to pleasure and be
pleasured by the car.
You can do this two ways. One way doesn't require any equipment.
The other way (which is much more rewarding) does.
The first way is to fuck the car 'raw'. This does NOT mean stuffing
your cock into the tailpipe and thrusting. This would hurt (remember the
sharp edges?) and be no fun anyway, since the tailpipe doesn't flex.
What you should do is get behind the car and start jerking off.
When you are about to come, carefully put your cock into the tailpipe of
the car, and then come. But, in the heat of passion, you must still
remember the sharp edge. Even putting just the head into the tailpipe is
good enough. Just make VERY sure that you don't hurt yourself.
Now, this assumes that you can get your cock into the tailpipe
in the first place. Some tailpipes are too small, and then, well, you're
out of luck. Find someone who has a car with a bigger tailpipe.
The best way to have sex with a car, however, is not raw. You
need the following equipment:
1 Dekhyr Dragon Industries (Teledildonics Division) Sexual Interface Unit.
If you don't have one, you can get one through me (Dekhyr,
[redacted]) or you can attempt to build one yourself. The SIU is
essentially a tube made of foam rubber, rolled such that the inner diameter
is slightly smaller than the diameter of your erect penis. When lubricated,
it acts as a sexual interface to whatever you attach it to. In this case,
it is inserted into the tailpipe of the car you want to have sex with.
To build one, you will need black electrical tape, a 'Koozie',
a can of soda, and a hefty pair of scissors. A 'Koozie' is a foam rubber
dingumbob in which you put a soda. It keeps the soda cold and your hand
warm. Being a 'give-away' item, you usually can't find it anywhere. I've
had reports of finding them in liquor stores. I've actually found a good
deal of them at a local discount-type store.
There are two kinds, thick walled and thin walled. I've only been
able to find the thick kind; the thin kind I've only been able to get
through an advertising company. The thin kind is particularly good with
tailpipes not much bigger than your cock.
Here is what you need to do:
1. Measure the circumference of your erect penis. This is most easily done
by wrapping a string around your cock (around the shaft, not the head).
2. Take the bottom of the Koozie out. You should be left with a tube.
3. Cut the wall of the tube from top to bottom so that you are left with
a slab of foam rubber which refuses to stay straight.
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4. Now, carefully cut away material parallel to the first cut until you
can put the ends together making a smaller tube, and such that the inner
circumference of the tube is slightly smaller (say, by 1/2" or so) than
the circumference of your shaft.
5. Take a piece of electrical tape. Hold the ends of the tube flush.
Place the tape on the cut on the outside to secure the tube in the
middle. Now repeat with more tape until the cut is secure. Wrap tape
around the whole thing.
6. Drink the soda. With the scissors, CAREFULLY cut off the top and bottom
of the aluminum can. CAREFULLY cut a strip of aluminum lengthwise from
the can, about 3/4" to 1" wide.
7. Coat the strip with electrical tape. This is to prevent the edges from
8. Attach the strip to the tube at one end:
attach here only
V ============ <- strip (curled upward a bit)
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9. 'Test drive' it! Lube it up with KY (try not to use oil-based
lubricant; you may want to use it with more than one person, and then
you'll be using a condom).
Now, stuff the SIU up the tailpipe and lube well.
You now have several options for fucking your car. One major one
is from behind. If the car is automatic shift, then put the car in Park
and remove the emergency brake. This will enable the car to rock back and
forth to your thrusts. If the car is manual transmission, chock the wheels
well, remove the emergency brake, and put the car into gear — the higher
the gear, the more play the car has. This will also enable the car to
rock. Kneel behind the car. Now thrust in.
You may not have any trouble with heavier manual transaxled cars,
since you may not have to chock the wheels — the weight of the car will
prevent the engine from 'topping out' and moving the car away. Lighter
manual transaxled cars are more likely to be topped out by your thrusts,
so chocking is necessary. In general, the lower the gear, the less
play, but the more difficult it is to top the engine out.
Another major method is to lie down under the car, your upper body
under the car, and thrust into the car. It is difficult, though, to make
the car rock unless you push on the closest rear tire.
I've also had some success leaning on my side and fucking the car
More than one person can fuck a car if it has more than one
tailpipe on opposite sides of the car. This will also make the car rock
faster and harder since the energy of two people will add.
NEVER fuck a car with the engine on. Firstly, you will be breathing
hard, and that means you can poison yourself faster. Secondly, the car
will either stall (because there's something blocking the tailpipe, heh)
— causing damage to the engine — or will force the exhaust out. And
you have an idea where the exhaust will go, I trust. Ouch! Fatality City!
If you do not use a condom and you come inside the car, ten or
fifteen minutes of driving will kill off anything inside. So you do not
have to worry about STDs from that. What you will have to worry about,
though, is the SIU itself. It is not being sterilized. Therefore, if you
use an SIU you think is going to be used by someone else, use a condom,
and use KY jelly or some other water-based lubricant. Remember — oil
rots condoms, and so will an oil-based lubricant.
Enjoy your cars!