Oh, what? You thought the BMW M2 would be revealed at the Geneva Motor Show next month? Well, that ain't what we got. Instead I have something for you that is very, very different. Meet the 2-Series Gran Tourer, an all-new model.

It's an MPV, which is fancy European-talk for a small minivan. It shares a platform with the 2-Series Active Tourer, which itself is derived from the new Mini Cooper and not the fun rear-wheel drive 2-Series. It's gonna be great for soccer moms and dads.

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No, I'm not even fucking with you right now. The press photos are a bunch of pictures of kids playing soccer. Take a look if you don't believe me:

Jesus Christ.

Anyway, like the 2-Series Gran Tourer it will come in front-wheel and all-wheel drive with a litany of gasoline and diesel engines. No word yet on whether it will be sold in the U.S., but since the Active Tourer isn't I'm going to assume this won't be either.

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If anyone needs me, I'll be down in my bunker, preparing for the next phase of the apocalypse.