Illustration for article titled Would You Rather: Free Cars And Dead Dogs Edition

Holy crap, the first month of 2017 is almost over and I haven’t even provided you with a new Would You Rather! You must be desperate for one at this point. I’m so sorry. You deserve relief, right this instant, so let’s get right to it.


Okay, so, would you rather:

On a dare at a party, you eat a full pound of wet dog food and chase it by drinking 16 ounces of 10W-40 motor oil. You’re the life of the party and won an entire $6.32, but later that night you don’t feel so hot. After a long night of sweating and bedwetting, you awake the next morning to find you have a new power: you can transmorgrify dogs into cars, and vice-versa.


Never mind how you found out; you just knew, like how you know when you’re pregnant or standing in somebody’s picnic. You find that you can touch any car, and it’ll turn into the dog that it most resembles; a Mini, for example, seems to turn into a bulldog, while an Acura you touched turned into an Akita. A Buick Regal became a big hound of some kind, and an Aztek became something you arranged to have put down.

The opposite works as well: you went to a dog park and started to pet a schnauzer, when it turned into a Porsche 914. The owner was pretty freaked out, but you drove away too fast to get in trouble. This seems to be a remarkable power, and being able to turn dogs into cars could become a huge financial windfall – if you’re okay with the fact that it must kill the dog in the process.

Are you okay with that? I mean, you can always make other cars into dogs, right? But, once you changed a dog or car, they become immune to your power. No changing the same one back and forth. Is this a power you’re okay with?

... or, would you rather:

One day, you were poking around on the internet, when you came across a torrent site that had haunted applications. Being curious, you download one. You launch the application, and find that it is a piece of magically enchanted dealership software that will let you get, for free, any car you want on February 28th, every year.


You set it up, just to see, and sure enough, February 28 comes and you walk into your local Fiat Chrysler dealership, and leave with a free, brand-new Fiat 500 Abarth.

You also find a massive, weird tattoo, the size of a dinner plate, of an ugly horse making a very vulgur gesture has appeared on your back. Doctors have no idea what to do about it; it doesn’t seem to be removable. You eventually quit caring and go back next February 28th, this time to an Aston Martin dealership and drive off in a free DB11.


You also get another huge tattoo, of a line of human penises wearing ballcaps riding lawn tractors, right on your neck. It looks like for every free car, you get a new tattoo. A new terrible tattoo.

Is it worth it?

So, there you go – two ways to get free cars, but one might kill dogs, and one gives you unwanted, unplanned tattoos.


So, what’s it going to be?

Senior Editor, Jalopnik • Running: 1973 VW Beetle, 2006 Scion xB, 1990 Nissan Pao, 1991 Yugo GV Plus, 2020 Changli EV • Not-so-running: 1973 Reliant Scimitar, 1977 Dodge Tioga RV (also, buy my book!)

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