Would You Rather: Rust-Licker Or Embarrassed Car Mind-Controller

Illustration for article titled Would You Rather: Rust-Licker Or Embarrassed Car Mind-Controller

According to all the computations I’ve been running on this Kaypro I found in the wreckage of a 1983 business jet, it seems that it’s been a while since the last automotive Would You Rather. Let’s take care of that, pronto. And pronto is now.

You guys know the rules–I provide two hypothetical, automotive-realted-ish fantastical situations, and you determine which one you’d rather have for your own lovely self. You know the deal.

So, would you rather:

An ill-thought culinary experiment involving a Hot Pocket filled full of toothpaste and Lea and Perrins Worcestershire sauce has caused you to slip into a wet, jittery coma. While comatose, the combination of chemicals and ingredients and Flouristat altered your body’s fundamental chemistry so that now your salivary glands produce a revolutionary, never before seen compound with a remarkable property.


That property? Your saliva can now transform rust back into gleaming, shiny metal. That’s right, you can take a perforated, rust-riddled, paper thin fragment of bumper and with one long, luxuriant lick of your magic tongue you’ll find yourself licking a beautiful, gleaming chrome bumper.

Of course, this ability is in huge demand. You open what my be the most successful auto body restoration shop ever– no bondo, no sourcing rare parts, no laboriously welding and patching – just you, licking away rust and leaving beautiful metal.

Of course, to do this, you have to do an awful lot of licking. Some clients come in with cars that they’ve rescued from bogs and swamps and lakes, and you find yourself coughing up mouthfuls of brown rust dust as you spend weeks licking, say, every single piece of a 1925 Bugatti Type 22.

You have a remarkable gift, but is it worth it? You’re the only one who can do it, and you’ve tried having people brush on your saliva, and it just doesn’t work. It has to be the tongue. Can you restore every worthy car before you wear a hole in your tongue? Is it all worth it?


You look like a wreck. When was the last time you slept? Still, you’re doing great business!

Or, would you rather:

After a weird Craigslist hookup with a witch or warlock (it was pretty dark), you find what appears to be an enchanted Tic-Tac in your underpants. Without thinking, you pop it in your mouth, which activates its considerable powers.


The magic saturates your body, which lifts you into the air, your limbs dangling limply, powerful white light shooting from your eyes, mouth ears, nostrils, and urethra. When you land, you find that you now have the ability to control any car you see with your mind!

Think about it – you could become a superhero or supervillian – your innate mind-control of cars could make you an almost unbeatable racing driver, you’ll get every cab you ever want, or have access to any car, any time.


Oh, there is one catch. A weird side effect of the magic breath mint is that if you use your powers, the magic mint’s Twitter account will tweet one secret about you. At most, it’ll do so twice a week. But it’s almost always something you really, really don’t want out there.

Still, you can control cars with your mind? Right? I mean, that’s cool enough that hardly anyone remembers what a bedwetter you were!


So, what’s it going to be? Lick away rust for the betterment of automotivekind at possibly your own risk, or control every car with your mind, if your mind doesn’t mind everyone knowing so many embarrassing things about you.

Choose wisely!

Senior Editor, Jalopnik • Running: 1973 VW Beetle, 2006 Scion xB, 1990 Nissan Pao, 1991 Yugo GV Plus, 2020 Changli EV • Not-so-running: 1977 Dodge Tioga RV (also, buy my book!: https://rb.gy/udnqhh)

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No question, the licking. You’ve got full agency over it, and the amount of money you could make fixing old, rare shit would be astronomical.