As far as crimes go, porch piracy, the act of just stealing randomly delivered packages from people’s porches and front stoops, seems to be the least cool, least lucrative kind. It’s a crapshoot about whatever you’d get even if you pull it off—you’re as likely to get four months-worth of tampons as you are an Xbox, and you could also be absolutely ruining some kid’s birthday. It’s a shitty thing to do. That’s why this video is so weirdly satisfying to watch, as a four-inch pile of snow absolutely defeats an attempted porch pirate.
Oh, and I know that this video is from January of this year, so it’s not exactly crisp and fresh, like, say, a cucumber with cold beads of condensation glistening on its British Racing Green skin.
It’s been around, but somehow we hadn’t covered it, and now, with winter and the holiday season upon us once more, all of the crucial elements of this video— snow, packages, fools—are once again deeply, painfully relevant.
Okay, enough talking. Just watch:
If the Dread Pirate Yaris had put decent snow tires on his little FWD theftmobile, he’d likely have at least gotten away. Though, maybe not, as his license plate was pretty clearly on camera from the get-go.
Or if he had just not backed so far into that comically small pile of snow, even.
What makes this video so great is just how long the struggle continues, as the driver, in a state of mild panic, attempts to dig his way out, stomps that accelerator, and goes precisely nowhere.
What I really like is how after about two and a half minutes of watching the attempted thief struggle, the homeowner is just exasperated and is actually shouting advice to the guy, reminding him that his Toyota is front-wheel drive and he needs to get the wheels contacting the ground if he’s going to get anywhere.
I know he was joking earlier about getting the guy a shovel, but it really seemed that it eventually just turned into the frustrated advice given by someone sick of watching someone else flounder.
So, I guess the takeaway here is that if you’re going to take part in the shitty, low-return crime of porch piracy, at least spend the money for decent winter tires.