I have nothing against the Cleveland Browns, that I know of. I often forget they exist, and one of my esteemed Deadspin colleagues even says the team is “a hot pick to be good this year.” (He doesn’t totally buy it, though, because they’re the Browns. In my very limited football knowledge, in which I always have to clarify what a “touchback” is again, I would have to agree.)
But I’ll tell you what I am against: an orange Kia Stinger GTS, once lovely and a sign of everything good in the world, that’s been turned into a Brownsmobile with some brown and white stripes and is now for sale at an Ohio dealership called Mentor Kia. The dealer never specifically says in the sale listing that it’s meant to be a Browns theme, but local outlet Fox 8 Cleveland does, and it’s pretty easy to see.
The Stinger is a good car, despite its varied headlight safety—it’s a new sport sedan in a world where sedans aren’t exactly what people want, and Kia even gave the GTS trim, which is on this car, drift mode. Before the Stinger, the only time you might have seen most folks use “Kia” and “drift” in the same sentence was if some other car was drifting around a stationary Kia. The Stinger is a good thing, especially in that regard.
Kia then made the Stinger even cooler by coating its GTS trim in a lovely shade of orange, which we, buyers of black, silver and white cars, do not deserve but were lucky to be given.
Then, we, the undeserving human race we are, go and do this to that beautiful, untainted orange:
A vehicle that once looked fierce and cool and ready to drift circles around the masses now looks like a clownfish, because football.
We don’t deserve nice things.