This just in: Barack Obama is a filthy polluter. Thanks to in-depth research into his controversial past, we can exclusively reveal that the Democratic candidate once drove a V8 engine-equipped Chrysler 300 before switching to his greener-than-thou Ford Escape Hybrid. But what does Joe “Pinko” Biden drive? And what about everyone’s favorite Real American Hero, John McCain, and his national security expert, mom-of-the-year VP, Sarah Palin? In keeping with his elite Northeastern liberal ways, Joe Biden typically rides AMTRAK back and forth from DC and Delaware, claiming last summer, ““I am the reason Amtrak keeps moving.” When Joe isn’t single-handedly keeping our nation’s rail system in business, he drives a 1967 Corvette, which might indicate that he moonlights as some sort of pimp. When asked what type of car he drove, John McCain couldn’t remember. Thankfully, a younger, less mentally decayed aid was able to point out that not only did McCain own a Cadillac CTS, but that he even passed his last vision test at the DMV. McCain did remember that his first car was a 1958 Corvette, although why he didn’t start driving well into his 20s we don’t understand. In keeping with her role as a rugged frontier mother of five and sworn enemy of Communist Russia, Sarah Palin drives a Chevy Suburban. The eight-seat vehicle may not be big enough for her growing family though, which will number nine when her 17-year-old daughter gives birth and gets married. Palin’s suburban is provided by the state of Alaska; in keeping with her hard-partying ex-beauty queen nature, she previously drove a Ford Mustang. In addition to his gas guzzling V8 Chrysler 300, Obama once owned an equally unfrugal 2000 Jeep Grand Cherokee. We’re unable to confirm if either vehicle was ever used for drug dealing, but we’d like to ask that question, and strongly insinuate an answer anyway. Of course, both candidates and their running mates aspire to trade up to the ultimate in wasteful government spending: a fleet of armored Cadillac Limos. While we don’t have official MPG figures on these vehicles, we can only assume that their environment-killing credentials are topped by Air Force One and Marine One, respectively. [via the LA Times]