Police Taser Man In Covered Wagon After Ramming Cop Car, Man Blames Mules

Illustration for article titled Police Taser Man In Covered Wagon After Ramming Cop Car, Man Blames Mules

An Oklahoma man was arrested this past weekend for public intoxication and assault and battery on a police officer with a deadly weapon. That "deadly weapon" was Keith Woolery's covered wagon and two mules.

Woolery, who uses the mules and wagon to get around, admits to having "a few beers" but denies deliberately ramming the patrol car. The cops claim Woolery attempted to ram the car three times, while Woolery counters with "They shouldn't have parked that close and they shouldn't have been trying to ram a mule head on with another car with lights and sirens going."

That actually seems like a pretty valid point. The police also accuse Woolery of trying to run in his potent two-mule-power rig, though Woolery claims he was just trying to stop the spooked mules. While he admits he has brakes on the wagon, the same can't really be said of the mules.

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He was tased to get him into handcuffs after refusing to exit the wagon.

While it's pretty likely Woolery was drunk, Arkansas law doesn't allow DUIs to be issued for non-motorized vehicles, according to the report. It's not clear why they stopped Woolery in the first place.

It does seem pretty unlikely that Woolery would have attempted to ram a police car with a pair of mules and a wagon. The damage the police show to their car looks to be in the tens of dollars range, if not assumed to be normal wear and tear. Why would he ram with a pair of mules? They're made of mule meat and hair, and the patrol car is steel. It's not a good plan, and I'm more inclined to believe the spooked mule theory.

Plus, running from a patrol car with a two-mule wagon? Again, I don't think Woolery could have been both drunk enough to believe that would work and not lying in a pool of his own sick.

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So I'm going to side with the amiable drunk wagon-owner on this one. Sure, he probably deserved a ticket, but a tasing? Besides, that truck-chassi'd, car-seat-having, presumably home-built wagon is pretty cool.

Now those mules. Those were probably the real drunk, belligerent ones. Just look at 'em.

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(thanks, rbsilver!)

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DISCUSSION

RamblinRover
Ramblin Rover - The Vivisector of Solihull

Per T. Keith, 2003, beer for horses is permitted in any context permitting whiskey for men, c.f. raising up one's glasses against evil forces or as a summatory act following negating action against "gangsters doing dirty deeds". The crux of the matter then becomes not only whether mules are entitled to all the same protections and rights as a horse under the law, but whether the libation was 'earned' in a manner consistent with its obtaining.

Per Nelson's concurrence in the Keith decision, however, a "[M]an's got to answer for all the wicked things he done (sic)", and this magistrate finds the assault on a police car, if any is evident, to be legally of the standard required for Wickedness. This holding shall suffice whether or not beer was consumed by the mules, but burden of evidence remains on the arresting officers, as it is well known mules bear a heavy burden.

Important factors to be introduced include whether the police officers were dogging the wagon excitedly, any evident mulishness on behalf of the mule-driver, which individuals acted the most "jackassedly", whether the evidential outcome of this event is sterile to the greying factors and coloration of present testimony, whether station wagon seats in a wagon properly equip it as a station wagon, and whether "a little bit country" is too much. This may be a pivotal case to Western jurisprudence, and proper carriage of justice is important.

Don't tase me, Burro.