You might not know this about me, but I don’t have many friends. Staffers—yes. They number in the hundreds. But friends? No. None, except for Rolls-Royce, which has been my one true friend throughout the funny roller coaster we call life. I’d drink to that.
And like the ever-supportive friend that it is, Rolls-Royce catered directly to my needs today, in this case presenting me with the Champagne Chest. It has absolutely nothing to do with my money.
And oh, sweetie, it’s absolutely divine. It has a chassis! Yes, one that’s made from carbon fiber and machined aluminum, according to a press release. I also had the outside wrapped in Tudor Oak wood and black leather embossed with my girl, the Spirit of Ecstasy.
There’s a champagne set inside with four hand-blown crystal flutes, but who are we kidding? They’re all for me. I never refill a glass, I just get a new one. Don’t you? It’s a waste of perfectly good crystal otherwise.
The champagne is stored in the sides of the chest with the Thermal Champagne Coolers. These are crafted from carbon fiber and black, anodized aluminum and help keep the champagne at the exact, optimized temperature. I had champagne that was slightly too warm, once. It was a nightmare. That servant now works at the bottom of the ocean.
And speaking of oceans:
A caviar configuration is available, whereby two thermal caviar caissons, each accommodating a 30g tin, are complemented by two blini caissons proving an irresistible accompaniment to chilled champagne. Two exquisite Mother-of-Pearl spoons with anodised aluminium handles are housed magnetically at the top of the hammock, designed so as not to impair the delicate flavour of the caviar. An additional arrangement of three porcelain bowls concealed in a matching thermal capsule can be specified.
A tip to those wondering—a caisson is also an excellent place to store coke. Keeps it nice and dry, see.
Bless that kooky old car company. It truly is a cut above the rest. Over the years, it’s helped create a naval vessel for me, painted a car with diamonds, fashioned me a private and rolling opium den and discouraged people from being poor with a Fabergé egg. No one has ever understood me as well as it has.
And now the latest gift is this chest. I would tear up because I am so touched, but there simply isn’t enough water left in this body for tears (I’ve replaced it all long ago with vodka and bubbly; also crying is for people with day jobs). This is a gift that Rolls-Royce presented to me because we are friends, but we’ll cut you a deal because you’re a loyal reader.
Prices start at £37,000 (about $47,332).