All GIFs and images via Rolls-Royce

As I have extensively documented before, riding in cars is extremely difficult for me. Not only do they place the masses directly in my line of sight, but I also have the driver to contend with. Usually, I just hire ones that don’t speak any English to ensure maximum privacy, but then there’s still the issue of them physically being in the car with me. Gross. Thankfully, Rolls-Royce has come to the rescue.

Introduced today, the option is called the Phantom Privacy Suite. And no, it’s not for any of the lesser models, it’s exclusively for the new Extended Wheelbase Phantom, the only one that matters. Until limousines are all autonomous, this is what I’ll have to use.

Rolls-Royce made a fancy website for the Suite, too, so those of you browsing the internet at your “jobs” can have a look as well.

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For when I want to forget there’s another person in the car with me:

Your retreat is ready at the touch of a button. Crafted from electrochromic glass, the Privacy Division instantly switches from transparent to fully opaque, separating front and rear cabins to create a truly private sanctuary.

For when I am discussing private deals and threatening government leaders:

Keep conversations truly personal. Frequency-specific insulation provides unprecedented levels of acoustic separation, preserving the tranquility of your space and ensuring any discussions are privy to your ears only.

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(Although nothing is truly ever personal, it’s all business.)

For when I can IGNORE CALLS from my own driver who has the AUDACITY TO FUCKING ADDRESS ME WHEN I AM BUSY:

Effortless communication between front and rear is delivered via a fully integrated, conveniently reached intercom system, allowing you to talk with the driver on demand and answer or decline their calls to you.

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For when I go on a 36-hour coke binge and need House Hunters International to ease the ensuing night terrors:

A Bespoke Rear Theatre Entertainment system has also been integrated into the Privacy Suite, which includes two high definition 12-inch monitors linked to the motor car’s suite of fully connected software as well as an HDMI port that allows passengers to synchronise their highly secure personal devices. This complex execution of craftsmanship and technology is deployed and controlled from the centre console and, combined with Starlight Headliner and Bespoke Clock, creates a peerless ambience for passengers.

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For when I need to hand over things like tickets or hush money and don’t want the help touching my skin:

A well-sized aperture controllable only from the rear allows documents, tickets and other essential items to be passed easily between the front and rear compartments.

Pictured: Me

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For when I have been partying far too hard the night before and have a throbbing headache, acute dehydration and frequent nosebleeds:

For when you desire complete seclusion, Rear Privacy Curtains allow full concealment of the side and rear windows, while Rear Privacy Glass extends your privacy if you choose to have the curtains open.

While this is all well and good, it is actually more ideal for building your own private opium den. You can set the lighting, block out the world and ignore calls from your driver as he frantically drives in circles around town, trying to guess the address to drop you off at because you purposely didn’t give it to him and now you’re not responding and he’s too scared to pull over and ask you in person because you’re holding his family hostage.

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Phew. See what I have to deal with? At least now I get some privacy from all of that.

(h/t to @caerule_us!)