Photo: Volvo

As I have laid out to you before, I hate using public roadways. Not only is the plebish threat of traffic a very real thing, I am also forced to look at the common folk—an event that leaves me with migraines and mild indigestion for hours afterwards. Which is why I was so thrilled when I heard about Volvo’s new S90 Ambience Concept.

Here’s how it works: You use your smartphone (or have the servant of a servant do it for you) to pick one of the car’s various visual themes that also have synchronized audio and scents. The themes include Northern Lights, Scandinavian Forest, Swan Lake, Archipelago and Rain. There’s also Nocturnal for resting and Freedom for “uplifting energy.”

From Volvo’s press release:

The synchronised audio plays through the car’s Bowers and Wilkins premium sound system, which includes small tweeters in the headrest for an immersive sound experience. Each theme is matched with one of four bespoke scents, created by Byredo, which deploys simultaneously from a portal in the centre console.

Volvo says that it will probably implement the Ambience themes into its Excellence-trim level cars in the future. These are cars for people so excellent, we don’t even need to spell “ambiance” correctly, you assholes.

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Yes, there are only seven themes right now, but I’m having Volvo make some more. My suggestions included Opium Den, Yacht Spa and Unpaid Labor.

Here’s me in my S90.
Photo: Volvo

Really, this is just perfect. Say you’re forced to drive around in a metropolis because their restrictive airspace “laws” have forced you to leave the helicopter behind or whatever, and you’re stuck, literally, next to people “just trying to make ends meet.” People rushing to their so-called “jobs,” people trying to “provide” for their “children.” Underlings, the lot of them.

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Their existence is offensive to me, and if I were to have things my way, I’d put four inches of reinforced, bulletproof glass and steel between us. But, alas, not even I can drive a tank down Park Avenue and escape without some kind of ticket, so this Volvo will have to do.

Reality is, after all, your own to construct when you’re a master of your own sensations.

Pictured: a servant’s hand.

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Photo: Volvo
Photo: Volvo
Photo: Volvo

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Photo: Volvo
Photo: Volvo
Photo: Volvo