Illustration for article titled Cover Me In Diamonds, Rolls-Royce Daddy

Last week, I got into an accident.

Before you start, it wasn’t my fault, okay? Someone just happened to leave a bunch of Citi Bikes on my personal stretch of sidewalk. I wasn’t hurt, thanks for asking. But my Rolls-Royce sure was. A massive dent and scrape stretched from its bashed-in headlight to its tail.


This was the last straw, I thought to myself, ripping my gilded iPhone from my Fendi handbag and furiously dialing up Rolls-Royce. I shouted at the poor girl on the other end. I told her that I was tired of getting into accidents and wasn’t this part of the whole Rolls-Royce lifestyle-deal that it keeps touting?

Here, I’ll even include a snippet from an official Rolls-Royce press release for you, to prove my point:

The lifestyle of the Rolls-Royce customer is like no other. They are unapologetic in their lifestyle choices and are proud to showcase this to the world. In the words of Coco Chanel, “Elegance is not the prerogative of those who have just escaped from adolescence, but of those who have already taken possession of their future.”

There’s a Coco Chanel quote in there. Coco fucking Chanel. I’m tired of this petty pauper shit, this “crashing” and then having to take valuable time out of my day to have the car repaired.

“I DON’T CARE IF YOU HAVE TO MAKE IT BULLETPROOF!” I screamed, spit flying from my mouth, showering the phone. “FIGURE IT OUT!” And instead of hanging up, I smashed the phone against the pavement.


I was in a mood. “What the shit do you think you’re looking at?” I snarled at a watching child.

And guess what? My screaming worked. After a week went by, Rolls-Royce produced a solution to my problems: a paint made from “1,000 crushed diamonds.”


In case you’re wondering, the diamonds themselves are ethically sourced. No animals were harmed in the procuring of the diamonds. After crushing them into a fine powder, the dust is mixed into the paint and applied by hand to my car.

Bulletproof? Maybe!

But the special paint would only be applied to the top part of the car. I’ve ordered Rolls-Royce to begin making an adamantium body for the rest of it.


Together, these two modifications should guarantee that I’ll never have to stop in the event of another crash again.

Illustration for article titled Cover Me In Diamonds, Rolls-Royce Daddy

Writer at Jalopnik and consumer of many noodles.

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