Don't Be Like Clarkson: Hunger-Punching Tips For Car Show Hosts

Illustration for article titled Dont Be Like Clarkson: Hunger-Punching Tips For Car Show Hosts

The recent mess that Jeremy Clarkson has gotten himself into because he allegedly punched a producer who didn't have his dinner ready should be a warning to all auto show hosts out there. I know sometimes you just want to punch that hunger away, but you've got to be smart about it. I'm here to help you.

I'm pretty sure most of the major auto show hosts read our site at least occasionally (except for Motor Week's John Davis — he has his valet skim and summarize every article, and then sing the results to John, who just prefers it that way) so I think this is a good forum for dispensing some great hunger-punching tips to those of you who have dedicated your lives to talking about cars on camera.


Now, remember, no judgements here — we all understand that being the host of a car show is probably the hardest, most hunger-inducing work a human can undertake, and for most people, the cure for hunger only has two possible solutions: eating some food or punching some face.

We've done a lot of research, and I think if you keep in mind these simple tips, no car show host will ever have to get in trouble for hunger-punching ever again.

1. If possible, punch employees of separate companies under contract to the production.

That means DON'T PUNCH A PRODUCER! You know that's going to have blowback. Pick someone much lower on the food/punching chain, and if possible, that person should report to someone not directly employed by the production company. Punch the guy who unloads the food trays from the truck, for example, and not the Assistant Producer who hires the food service company. Punch below your weight, influence-wise.


2. There's nothing wrong with a punch to the back of someone's head.

I know what you really want is to punch some face — I get it, I've been hungry, too. But sometimes, for the sake of your whole show, you may want to be flexible. A good swift punch to the back of someone's head gives you plausible deniability, especially when paired with an emphatic story about a guy who just ran away. All you need is plausible deniability, remember.


3. Make it look like an accident.

If you absolutely have to hunger-punch a producer or someone else employed by your own show, take precautions to make it look like an accident. Try the old putting-my-arm-through-my-coat-sleeve-and-I-didn't-see-your-face-there tactic. Or maybe the old stumble-fall-punch routine, or the extended-arm-yawn face punch. Be creative! And then, afterwards, be apologetic — you can do it, you're practically an actor as it is.


4. Wear a mask.

It sounds simplistic, but in a pinch, it can be a real lifesaver. Keep a ski mask or Mexican wrestling mask around, put it on, run by, take your punch, run away, ditch the mask. It's that easy. Maybe put on a jacket or something, too, just to be safe. This is your career we're talking about, after all.


5. Punch a child.

If you're on a studio lot, or even in public, and the hunger is telling you to punch punch punch, do yourself a favor and seek out a child. One good face-punch to a child works as well as punching anyone for hunger relief, and it's far less likely the child is employed by the production company or has the influence needed to get you in trouble.


Also, kids tend to be easier to intimidate into silence, especially after a punch. Be careful no one, especially the kid's parents, sees you, because the consequences could be quite dire.

6. Don't be cheap! Hire someone!

Look, why take the risk? Just hire someone who's already good at taking face punches — washed-up boxers, organized crime goons, Comcast service employees — and just pay them to hang around and take your hunger-related face-punches. Work it out right, and they can get your dry cleaning when they're not being punched in the face.


7. Try punching your own face!

There's a little known Tibetan self-face-punching technique monks have been using when they're hungry for centuries. It's not easy to learn, but practitioners swear by it. Maybe take this as an opportunity to grow and expand your mind.


NOTE: This method can only be used if you're sure you won't be on camera any more that day.

I really hope this helps! Top Gear and other automotive television shows are just too important for us to loose any more hosts due to a lack of knowledge of good, safe, hunger-punching practices.


Happy punching!

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8. Grab the victim's hands and force them to punch themselves. Don't forget to cover your bases by publicly questioning why they are doing such a thing.