Hot pickles, it’s Halloween, and around here at Jalopnik, Halloween means two things: our editor Rory makes another offering of a fawn soaked in 20W-50 to Ammon, the Grand Marquis of Hell, and I come up with a new batch of fun, sexy Car-Stumes! I switched from sexy human car-themed costumes to costumes just for your car (due to too many complaints from readers about painful, long-lasting erections), but this year I’m doing both. So get ready for some spookily automotastic Halloween goodness.
This has been an interesting year, automotively, which means there was a lot of interesting content to pull from, most of which I ignored in making this list. Too bad, right? But, I promise you that each of these costumes and car-stumes have been evaluated by the Jalopnik Mainframe (200 Commodore 64s blended with an industrial mixer and poured into Janine Garofalo’s hot tub, then plugged in) and it said that all of these are at least 40 to 34% fantastic, so I stand by them.
Let’s get started:
There’s been big news this year with Tesla’s releases of new Full Self-Driving Beta software, and while FSD beta’s performance hasn’t exactly been stellar, it’s still significant, and has introduced a fascinating bit of terminology to the automotive vernacular: tentacles.
“Tentacles” are what Tesla FSD enthusiasts call the ever-wiggling dotted lines that protrude from the front of the car in the on-screen visualizations that show the car’s intended path.
For the costume, we play up the FSD Tesla’s inherent horror value as something potentially unpredictable, a 4,000 pound beast operating on its own arcane motives, and the Tesla car “mask” has a pair of spring-loaded tentacles that wave and thrash around, just like in the visualizations.
Will it smack into you like you were an emergency vehicle? Maybe? Better run!
Perhaps the biggest staple of the sexy-costume world is the cat costume. We’ve had Cat(alytic converter) costumes before, but this year we’re happy to announce the Sexy Cat Burglar Costume!
By combining the raw, humid sexuality of the Hamburglar with the very real crime of catalytic converter theft, you end up with a costume that’s topical and sexy, and provides excellent head and calf protection thanks to the hard metal shells of three real stolen catalytic converters!
This one is genuinely scary, especially for owners of late 1990s to early 2000s Volkswagen owners: the check engine light. The spectral amber glow of this sigil on your dashboard is a terrifying beacon that soon all your money will soon disappear — that’s why this hot little number has a pair of beefy inflatable arms clutching all the money you had in the bank! Run! Run away!
What do you call something that’s dead but somehow refuses to die? A zombie, right? Or, in the automotive world, an Elio, the three-wheeled little car that’s been promised for about a decade and never seems like it’ll actually happen, and yet, somehow, a new electric one was announced this year!
No one thinks the company is really alive, yet somehow it’s not dead, either! It’s a zombie! So dress your car up as a Zombie Elio with this fantastic light plastic full-car carstume!
Visibility is severely impaired when you have the costume on, so be careful.
Of course we had to have this, the only genuine example of someone in a costume that we really had this year in the automotive world: the dancing Tesla Bot.
You may recall that at Tesla’s AI Day presentation, they ended the event with a spectacularly goofy display of someone in a lycra body suit and a fencing mask dancing like a goofball while dressed like Tesla’s fictional humanoid robot.
Now you can bring this level of embarrassment and cringe to your own Halloween party! Just get a white bodysuit, cut up some black tights to pull over your head, and eliminate any last, lingering vestiges of dignity! It’s fun!
This last one is just a cheap way for you to get out of any social obligations and spend your Halloween eating candy off the floor and sobbing softly to yourself. Just tell your friends you’ll show up at their party dressed as the 2021 supply of computer chips for cars, then don’t show up at all, just like the 2021 supply of computer chips for cars!
It’s a fun, funny way to retreat from society and the only people who still love you! They’ll crack up!