I’m pretty sure the largest demographic group in the city of Portland is the community of Subarus. Portland is lousy with Subarus, which is why it may be the only place in the U.S. where hearing that one was accidentally stolen, then returned, with gas money, actually makes some sort of sense.
According to Oregon Live, what happened was that a woman had sent her friend with her red Subaru Impreza’s key to a neighborhood to pick up her car. In that same neighborhood lived Erin Hatzi (you know, like the National Socialist Headgear people) and Erin also happened to own a red Subaru Impreza.
A funny thing about many older Subarus – their keys are interchangeable far more often than you’d think.
So, the woman tasked with returning a red Subaru Impreza from the neighborhood did her job, with just the minor issue that the red Subie she brought back wasn’t the owner’s, but rather Erin Hatzi’s.
Hatzi reported the Subaru as stolen on Tuesday night, along with some security camera images of a very relaxed-seeming grand theft auto. As Hatzi described the footage to the Guardian:
“We were really confused because it didn’t seem like the normal actions of a car thief. You wouldn’t think they’d sit there in idle in the owner’s driveway for two or three minutes.”
The next night the Hatzi’s Subaru returned to their driveway, along with $30 in cash, and this note:
The note reads:
So sorry I stole your car. I sent my friend with my key to pick up my red subaru at 7802 SE Woodstock and she came back with your car. I did not see the car until this morning and I said, ‘that is not my car.’
There is some cash for gas and I more than apologize for the shock and upset this must have caused you.
If you need to speak further, with me, I am ******* and my number is ******.
So so sorry for this mistake.”
Maybe it’s time for all the Subaru owners of Portland to just band together and for some sort of Subaru Communal Ownership Commune. They love that kind of thing out there, right? Then they’re everybody’s Subarus.
I mean, if the keys just open any of them, they sort of already are. May as well make it official and get some cool jackets or something.