A Year In Class Warfare With Fancy Kristen

Illustration credit Chelsea Beck/GMG
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I nearly didn’t realize it, but 2017 will be over soon. It’s amazing how fast time passes when you’re thumbing through munitions catalogs after coming ‘round from a coke-nap. I’m a little dehydrated right now, waiting on the help to bring the bubbly, but you’ve caught me at a time when I’m feeling thoughtful.

I flourished in 2017; indeed, my approach to creative tax savings made Apple look like Opel in comparison. But, as the year draws to a close, I would like to bequeath some advice to my fellow one percent of the one percent of the one percent of the one percent, and some of you aspiring peasants as well, bless your little hearts.

I’ll let you in on a little secret: it’s actually hard being rich. These days, you just have to be born in the right place at the right time and bam, automatic wealth. Don’t even have to work for it. It’s that easy. And with a global population of billions to compete with and infectious diseases like the Black Plague more or less eradicated, chances are uncomfortably high that there are more rich people now than ever before.

And if there’s one thing the rich (read: me) fear more than anything else, it’s being lumped into the same shitty group as the commoners. The unwashed and unworthy. We are special! I’ve never seen a coupon in my life. Economy class is for animals, right? And how am I supposed to hunt human beings on an island that doesn’t belong to me? There might be laws there. Unacceptable.

So, without further ado, here are my top tips for 2018, if you want to keep the wealth gap so wide that you’d need a private submarine to traverse it.

Do Buy Lots Of Yachts

Buying a yacht isn’t just buying a new mode of transportation; it’s a power move. With a yacht, you are not only giving yourself a luxurious and relaxing abode on the water, you are also opening yourself up to all kinds of new and exotic real estate. Private islands and shit. You know, for the manhunting.

These are places unreachable by car and, therefore, the poor people. Remote places where you can’t build a runway so something as large as a commercial airplane (sorry, I just threw up in my mouth a little bit) can land.

Since yacht companies are a bunch of thirsty motherfuckers, they will do whatever you tell them to. Do you hear that? Whatever. You. Tell. Them. To.

Want the inside upholstered in some animal hide that you haven’t see anywhere else? Sure! My personal recommendation? Pull up the endangered species list. Start there.

This past year alone, I’ve dealt with yachts from Lexus, Mercedes-AMG, Porsche and Rolls-Royce.

And, no, I don’t want to talk about the Bugatti yacht. That’s my white whale. Just because my staff has staff doesn’t mean I don’t have feelings.

Do Go On Vacation

Every once in a while, it’s important to take a vacation. Regular people with jobs (sorry, I just nearly vomited again) use vacations as time away from something called “the office” and a chance to unwind. For me, it’s more of an opportunity to stake out a place and decide whether I want to buy it out or not.

So far, I’ve pretty much decided that Europe, as a whole, blows. Especially France. So they think that because they’ve shrugged off the feudal system that they’re all of a sudden epicenters of culture and art? Societies worth aspiring to? Give me a fucking break.

Governments have never been particular helpful or useful to me, which is why I reject the notion of them completely. I’ve always believed that gasoline, gunpowder and maybe a tank are all you really need to keep the peace.

Oh, and don’t forget to take plenty of pictures while you’re away. You know, for the memories and to use as an alibi later on if you need to.

Do Dispose Of Offensive Items With Fire

What do the plebs do when they come across something that upsets them? They either leave it be or they throw it away, depending on how large it is. But how can you truly guarantee something is gone for good if you don’t just destroy it utterly? I’m talking total annihilation. I’m talking fire.

Remember that white Lamborghini Countach I saw at an auction? The one that had the cheap 14k gold inside it? It was a crime against humanity and I needed it gone. So, I poured gasoline all over it and lit it on fire. It was the only way I could really make sure that this thing would be eradicated for good. It was a public service. You’re welcome.

But! Fire isn’t just good for disposing of things, either. In a pinch, it’s great for sending a message. No, not smoke signals.

If, for example, some boutique British automaker pisses you off because it can’t, oh, I don’t know, build a car out of diamond for you, then it is perfectly reasonable to set one of its yachts on fire and send the news coverage over to them.

They’ll respond almost immediately by inviting you to move into the shiny, new high rise apartment building that they just built in Miami. Penthouse.

See? Fire is is even great for sealing excellent real estate deals.

Do Collect As Much Military Equipment As Possible

Because we live in this world and because things are the way they are, there’s an abundance of military equipment to be found at almost all corners. Should it stay where it is, undisturbed and rusting? Definitely not!

Buy that shit. Buy it all.

It’s super practical, too. If you need a ride to the Pebble Beach Concours d’Elegance next year, have your people call my people. It’s way better than showing up in something pedestrian, like a Ferrari.

But perhaps the best usage for military equipment is restoring order and balance to your province. (When you own the most of it, you get to decide what “order” and “balance” mean for everyone else. It’s great.)

Nothing breaks up a rally or a riot faster than a tank rolling down Main Street. Keeps the local population in order, you know? Uppity locals never did anyone any good.

Yes, sometimes you have to flatten a playground or threaten an airstrike, but at least it helps you establish dominance. Which is everything in this world, my friend.

And last but not least:

Do Not Overspend

Unfortunately, this happens to all of us. We get carried away by all the parties, trampling over the locals and tasting the caviar... and we overspend.

It’s not a huge deal, but it is inconvenient when you reach into your account for that piece of new beachfront property only to find that you accidentally bought a castle on a drunken dare the week before. When that happens, it’s like, “Ugh, you mean I have to move some assets around?” Exhausting.

To combat this, it’s helpful to maintain a budget and keep costs down in places that you wouldn’t want your money to go, anyway. Like to charities. Or the government.

I’M KIDDING! Do you honestly think people like me actually run out of money? Hahahaha. Adorable.