Welcome to a special edition of What Car Should You Buy! Yesterday, Jalopnik was fortunate enough to get an “anonymous letter” from one of the biggest lottery winners in history asking for advice as to what car, or cars, to buy.
(OK, so we didn’t really get a letter and we weren’t contacted by a lottery winner, but what the hell, let’s have some fun.)
I am now the recipient of the greatest first world problem ever. As the winner of the $759 million dollar lottery, I have so much damn money to buy cars I don’t even know where to start.
Do I get old stuff, new stuff, should I just make my own car company?
Let’s assume that I’m not going to blow all of my money on cars. I’ll need a house or two, and maybe a yacht, and perhaps an airplane.
I will also need some rich people tips from FancyKristen.
But let’s start with the cars... what should I buy?
Daily Driver: Yes. Or no.
Average Miles Per Week: Depends on my mood.
Wants: Well, I’ll be getting several cars so each can have different purposes.
Doesn’t want: Whatever I’m driving now!
You could easily stroll into some high-end dealer with stacks of cash and get something crazy, like a LaFerrari or any other insane hypercar. That’s fine, plenty of people would make that choice. But I’m going assume that you would rather make a difference with your newly acquired wealth. While still doing something for yourself, it is possible for the entire car community to benefit as well.
What you are should do is pay off, er lobby some lawmakers to repeal the 25-year import law. We all know that this is a bogus law that has nothing to do with the environment or safety, and was really only enacted because some greedy German brands didn’t want people getting cars directly from Europe for a better price.
Now this may take a significant investment, but hey, you know what they say... sometimes you gotta spend money to spend money. Once that law is lifted, a whole world of available cars opens up. My personal preference would go to the most excellent Audi RS6 Avant because it would make for the perfect daily driver while you curate your collection with other rare and unique specimens.
Late last night I was walking my dogs in my quiet, family-friendly corner of Brooklyn, when I saw a most unusual sight: a powder-blue Lamborghini Aventador SV charging down the street, revving his engine, with two other Lamborghinis and a Ferrari F430 in tow, while he screamed “I’M DA CHAMPION! I’M DA CHAMPIOOOOON!” out the window at passers-by.
This fellow had money. That I don’t doubt. But is he happy? I find that hard to believe. A fellow with that much to prove isn’t living his best life; the Lamborghinis and the flash are masks to hide the demons he has inside, maybe how he cries every night over a broken relationship with his father or a love he once lost and can never have again.
I come from a modest family. I’ve worked my whole life. I can’t even fathom the concept of $10 million, let alone $759 million. But I do know it’s experiences and people who make you happy, not stuff. So you should invest in a car that brings an experience of true happiness.
What you do, now that you’ve used graft to get Congress to lift the stupid 25-year import ban, is fly to Japan and have the nice Mazda people sell you one of those fully restored original NA Miatas. I guarantee you the experience of buying a perfectly factory restored example of one of the most fun cheap sports cars ever made will eclipse what you get from any hypercar. At least, it would for me.
Ah, every car lovers favorite question. Not what is the best car, but what would you drive with fuck-you money? Like many of you, I think about this all the time.
There are so many slick and quick cars I would want if I suddenly became wealthy. In my wildest dreams, I would have a Mercedes AMG GT. But shoot, once you pass half a billion, a sum I honestly have trouble imaging having access to, the limits really are radically raised.
With that kind of budget you’ve got to look beyond the Benzes, Ferraris, Lamborghinis and every other supercar people may have heard of . You need a Koenigsegg. And now that you’ve got whateverhundred million dollars after taxes, I think you can afford to waste a few million on a Koenigsegg Agera. A Koenigsegg hits an untouchable combination of beauty, weirdness, ridiculous performance and next-level rarity that keeps them a few shelves higher than just about every other car conceived.
I could find some of the specs to copy-paste here for you, but, come on: Dihedral Synchro-Helix Actuation Door System. Need I say more?
Sweetheart, welcome, welcome to the club! It really is better on this side, I can tell you that. And there’s one more thing I can tell you: don’t listen to my colleagues. A Koenigsegg? An Audi? A Miata? They have no idea what they’re talking about.
They bring up things like “laws” and “happiness,” which belie how truly and desperately plebeian they are. For people like you and me, laws don’t apply and happiness is guaranteed. If we’re not happy, it’s someone else’s fault. You just have to take a few precautions to ensure that.
First, you have to empty your bank accounts. All of them. Who you were and are up to this point don’t exist anymore. Collect your winnings, thank everyone involved—and disappear. Fake your own death if you have to. Become lost at sea. From there, find a few bulletproof offshore accounts and start from there. Invest the rest in precious metals. Store these in a place so secret you take it to your grave. The world really does become a lot smaller once you own more of it.
You’ll also need several identities from different countries. I myself carry eight with me at a time, depending on the company I keep.
Your staff should consist of a smattering of local help only. The more broken in spirit the better. Discourage eye contact. Rule them through the use of fear, not love. Love is for romantics and babies. I have no use for either.
And lastly, stop thinking about cars. You and I can afford to think much bigger than that (on most days). No matter how opulent most cars are, by design they are still forced to share the road with much lesser beings. Take to the sea, take to the air, for fuck’s sake. Buy a yacht. Want one of mine? I’ll even cut a deal for you, since it’ll be your first one of many.
I guess if you have to… get a tank. I just picked one up not too long ago myself and driving it through the local farm stand because they were late on their rent was decently satisfying.