I’m disgusted. This is supposed to be the happiest, most joy-saturated time of year, and yet here I am, quaking with rage. I’m livid because once again an arrogant corporation with a clear agenda has decided to try and destroy one of the most fundamental and important traditions that make up the American experience. Starbucks’ 2017 Holiday Cup is an absolute slap in the face to all the good, decent people who observe Happy Honda Days.

As many of you know, every year Starbucks unveils a new holiday cup to commemorate this very special time of year. Often, overly-sensitive niche groups take issue with some aspect of the cup. This year, there’s a lot of question as to if the pair of holding hands depicted on the cup are from a lesbian couple, which is upsetting a number of people, for some reason.

Of course, that’s a ridiculous thing to be upset about. What every good American should be upset about is the fact that there is not a single reference to Happy Honda Days on the cup, anywhere.

Such a flagrant and willful omission is a clear declaration of a War on Happy Honda Days, and I will not stand for it.


I suspect this was the result of hard lobbying by the degenerate followers of Toyotathon, or perhaps their allies in sin, the craven Lexus December to Rememberists. These groups will stop at nothing to make the free practice and salebration of Happy Honda Days all but impossible in America today.

How hard would it have been to have included a drawing of the great Soichiro Honda on the cup, May His Engineering Be Praised? Would it have killed them to inscribe the Holy Tetragrammaton, CVCC, on the cup, somewhere? Would it be so terrible to have the cup’s design remind all of the world’s Children of the Accord that VTEC has kicked in, yo?

Of course it wouldn’t. But they didn’t and that fucking galls me.

I need to calm down. Let’s enjoy some holiday music:

That’s better. Breathe, Jayjay. Remember the Power of Dreams, and the eventual Coming of the Great Clarity to deliver us from all of our Earthly, petro-pain.


In fact, let us join hands and pray:

Oh great Soichiro,

Remember us, your unworthy buyers, drivers, and lessees

Grant us in our lives, this Prelude to the Great Element,

The powers of Insight, the gentleness to find Accords with our fellow men,

To pursue Life in our Cities while Fit and with Vigor,

To Pilot our own Odyssey with Integra-ty, following the Ridgeline,


That’s better. I feel more centered already.

Be aware, Starbucks: you cannot disrespect this great country’s biggest Saleabration and expect no repercussions, no matter what some filthy Toyotathonian may have told you.


Happy Honda Days, my friends. Soichiro willing, we will prevail.