Tirade of the Day: Here's Why We're Losing The Hoon Race

So you want to know why those damn Lada-drivin' Scandinavians and oil-money-flush Arabs are seriously stomping the good ole USA in the Hoonlympics these days? Why the Hoon of the Day entrants have been a bit weak lately? Well, goddammit? I'll tell you why, buddy: we're getting soft! It's like berserkers sacking your coastal towns and the OPEC embargo all rolled into one hoon-miliating package, while our hoons squander their potential by simply bashing perfectly jump-worthy cars against the mock-angry background of a frat-metal soundtrack. Here's the kind of video you mostly wade through these days when scouring the tubes for righteous hoonage...


But wait, there's more! These here boys have a Mazda pickup they could be blasting through a huge wall made of pallets, or driving in an impromptu enduro with some friends in a Lumina, or taking a running start for a jump to brag about to the grandchildren (well, if they live long enough to reproduce, of course). But no, they just want to beat on it like some anemic chimps banging broomsticks hopelessly against the bars of their cage in between listless bouts of onanism, and they don't even manage to do much damage. Meanwhile, you can bet that Sven and Ahmet are gearing up for some epic hoonage... the sort of hoonage that we once claimed as our own.

Now the video above shows the occasional flash of hoon promise- yeah, they start off with the usual tedious spraypaint/bash/shoot routine, but there's more life to it; rather than just feeling like a pathetic jerkoff on the smoldering wreckage of western civilization, it feels more like an energetic jerkoff on the still-burning potlatch of western civilization! Now this crew would be laughed off the road by your typical hoons in Hammerfest or Dubai, but at least they manage to get a little air out of the van's jumps (though they promptly screw it all up by stopping and reversing the video at the best moments, you know, because the video software makes that easy and stuff).

So come on, Ameri-hoons! If you're gonna be idiots and destroy a car, send that friggin' car out in a blaze of glory! That is all.

Hoon of the Day: Swedish Escort Service, Enzo Donuts! [internal]



I think it has to to with the fact that the local cops in some of these places are more worried about arresting women for showing a bare ankle, or finding exploding devices long the side of the road.

Plus the high probability of the driver having an AK makes them less inclined to issue tickets.