Three Stupid Thoughts About Cars

Attention! Attention! This is important! Three insipid thoughts about automobiles have occurred to me, and now, pursuant to OSHA regs 31.46a and subparagraph 77e, I must relay them to you. So get ready.

1. You are way, way, better driver than Jesus.

I mean, it’s not even funny – you could outdrive the shit out of Jesus Christ, regarded by many as the son of God. That’s impressive, and it’s worth reminding yourself of that when you’re feeling low.


You could also kick Moses, Buddha, and Mohammed’s ass behind the wheel, too. Oh, and L.Ron Hubbard’s probably.

2. Candy corn, while objectively awful, is the ideal choice to use as a taillight if you ever make a gingerbread car.

I mean, just look at it. The colors are even close enough to suggest a turn signal, brake/tail, and reverse light. Nice.


3. Cars once adapted to everyone smoking and driving by coming with standard ashtrays and cigarette lighters. Cars once adapted to everyone having a beverage and driving by coming equipped with cupholders. Autonomous cars are just continuing this trend, it’s just that now the thing cars are accommodating are cellphones and other mobile devices.


See? Autonomous car technology is on the same line as the ashtray and cup holder, just ever so slightly more involved.


Okay, there you go. Three stupid thoughts about cars, as promised.

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About the author

Jason Torchinsky

Senior Editor, Jalopnik • Running: 1973 VW Beetle, 2006 Scion xB, 1990 Nissan Pao, 1991 Yugo GV Plus • Not-so-running: 1973 Reliant Scimitar, 1977 Dodge Tioga RV (also, buy my book!)