This Is The World’s Longest Classified Car Rant

Illustration for article titled This Is The World’s Longest Classified Car Rant

Orphaned by the conspiracy-laden bankruptcy of British Leyland, the generally-terrible Austin Princess attracts a special kind of old car curmudgeon. That's why seeing this 1,500 word eBay rant about one such car shouldn't surprise anyone.


The bidding on this barn find in the UK closed at £410 ($650) earlier this week. The car looks fine, but the newspaper clipping of "Keen masturbator spikes own drink with rohypnol" featured in the image gallery makes us question the credibility of the seller.

We now present the full text of the ad, spelling errors included. Still, we suggest you check out the original eBay auction, if only to see the 24-point, bold formatting yourself.:

Well here we go again!

any questions ask me on fb Anthony Barrett

Sorry to all those of you who sent messages of appreceiation regarding the wording to the last ad, however theres always one that has to spoil the fun for the rest of us.

Illustration for article titled This Is The World’s Longest Classified Car Rant

the powers that be at EBAY removed my ad because the "one" complained that I used his Id in the ad whilst refering to him as being of a lower standard of inteligence than my usual bidders.

Ebay also said that I cannot use my "Opinion" when listing my Items, when infact any advert in the land is and can only be based on opinions! If I say the car is in excellent condition it is obviously my opinion which may differ from yours, so if ebay want to take issue with the fundamentals of listing items I think they should delete every advert.

now In my opinion this is a Austin Princess 1700 HL 1979.

in my opinion they are C**P

The design of this car must have been drawn up while the Designer was on his lunch break and was dreaming of what he wanted to have on his sandwich the next day, mmmmm cheese whilst doodling a wedge of chedar on his little notepad.

In the 1970s people who were at the forefront of car design were coming up with the likes of the Lancia intergrale or the Alfa Romeo GTV or Fiat super miafiori however the brains at Austin Morris and BL came up with, wait for it, THE WEDGE

this must be one of the worst styled cars in the world

You could be forgiven ( if you are a rat ) in thinking that from the front it may look like Bertone or Pininfarini had sketched the front nosepiece with those twin lights but alas No they were coppied by some overweight overrated overpaid overindulged fool who was too lazy to do anything after half etching the headlights and then went into a vague fit of nothingness and drawed what can only be called a long thin thing broadening out to a stodgey fat thing.

the quaility of steel used in the maufacture of these vehicles went through a series of stringent loopholes before being half stuck together to produce the tripe it is today, Firstly it had to have been something in its past life like biscuit tins or the rods that hold umbrellas up, or the wire that holds potato bags closed (our Irish cousins will know about potatos) once this finest metalic material was found it was then sold to China for 12p a ton to be melted down and put through the same process as they use to make paper and it was rolled out as thin as paper and probably not as strong,

The steel was then sold back to us for ten times its real worth because some group of fatcats at BL all needed new Bentleys so they had to cover the cost of the New T2.

There was a rumour that there was a bloke a BL who took a sheet of steel home with him every night on his Raliegh shopper and once he saved up enough, he swapped them to his Cousin Bob who worked in the buying department at Dagenham for a years fishing syndicate, and so the wheels of industry roll.

Then the steel was stored in a dockyard in Liverpool for several years in the salty air whilst the UNIONS striked about Bert from High st and how he parked his bicycle wrongly and it caused him to use to spaces!

These strikes brought this once great country to its knees.

now that seems a long process to go through and youd be right in thinking that but thats how your average Union member worked back in the day, they didnt car about being apart of the Union Jack, they just wanted to be a part of the UNION, and if it was at the cost of their herritage and culture and Country then so be it because they were the real fall of this once great Empire, not Maggie who if it wasnt for, most of those lazy good for nothings wouldnt be in their own homes now, after all she gave you the right to buy!!!

The Plush black velor was purchased off the Soho road in Handsworth Bir ming ham from Raj who imported it from outer mongolia its known in the trade as Yaksac for obvious reasons, the seats in these cars have never seen Dorris's Crotchless nickers nor have there been any adultery performed on them as the "men" that drove them would have committed murder to the person laying a snail trail on them and anyway the only way that would happen is for there to have been some kind of action between two parties where the only action these drivers got was on there own!!!

The Dashboard was chisseled out of a block of Tarmac (again one for the Irish lads) and it was put together with a soldering iron and strips of Liquorice, the speedo must have fell out of a box that was being delivered to Aston Martin because theres no way this thing could reach anywhere near 130 mph and in reality the tile clock hands went round faster than the speedo.

It says 02072 on the mileometer but alas this means its been round the clock at least once so dont get too excited.

I was previously asked how it runs, it runs like it should, you turn the ignition on pull the choke out (ladies, thats the little round nob to the left of the steering wheel) (no not him)! you then turn the key another click and engage the starter motor, which clunks into action with all the grace of an elphant blowing off at the W.I meeting, the starter gear lobs into the flywheel and proceeds to rotate the crankshaft, the crank is connected to a camshaft via a belt, which was made from snot, the camshaft turns the distributor via a gear machined into the camshaft with a chisel, if all is well the electric current which is produced by the coil sends a burst of power down the high tension leads once it has been directed by the distributor cap in conjunction with the rotor arm to the sparking plugs in a sequence which was 1342, then as no1 piston which is attached to the crankshaft by a conrod comes up the bore to a pair of valves fitted to the cylinder head with springs caps and collets, if when the piston reaches the valves they are closed then dont worry because in number 4 cylinder they are open, and anyway if there is fuel in the carburettor it would have fed down the manifold past the valves into the combustion chamber which then whilst being squashed into the small area provided causes an exlposion in conjunction with the spark at the same time and place, however the intank fuel pump dont work so this one wont run!!! so I hope that answers a few questions.

The Susspenders, I mean susspension is Hydrospastic and makes you flle like your sailing a boat My mate Joe went out one night in his mates Austin Princess, there was Joe,Pancho,Gonzo,pongo,mojo and Dave in it and all it did was ground out on the tow bar!!! mind you they were all in the boot!

the Boot is so large that whilst cleaning it out I came across a small tribe from Borneo who were cultivating marijuana, its the only thing anyone has came across in this car!!

The tyres are round and made of rubber, they have some grooves in them that are suposed to disperse water but as this handles more like a boat than a car its better to have bald tyres on.

People do say I suffer from narcissism but I clearly dont owning this, mind you come to think about it, you do need a bit of self loving if you own this beauty beacuse no woman will love you and like I said before, the owners of these cars in their day were all into self loving!!!!

there will be one or two of you ask if she is motd and taxed! dont be silly how can I turn up at an Mot station in this?

someone mentioned last time that there is a Princess owners club, and I have to admit Kate Middleton is bang tidy but I quite like Pipas Pilates tutor on Daybreak!! does she know what she does to us????

I saw in the classic car mag the other day that Quintin Wilson has bought a 1959 Mini well I think hes a t**t and I think Jeremy Clarkson should buy this car to shove him off the road with!

Well there you have it all my own OPINION on this item im listing, if you want it bid on it, if you dont want it still bid on it because apparently Ebay say I cannot discourage people from bidding on my items????

any questions please call me on XXXXXXXXXX. Ant.

(Hat Tip to: Blake Z. Rong!)

Photo Credit: bentley4litrespecial, eBay



He just kept talking in one long incredibly unbroken sentence, moving from topic to topic, so that no one had the chance to interrupt, it was really quite hypnotic.