The Nissan Altima may be dying, but the Altima is adored by thousands, if not millions, of the worst drivers God ever saw fit to put on this earth. What are those fans going to drive next? This is the question I posed to you all earlier this week, and today I’m spelunking through your answers. Wish me luck.
It is already sold by Nissan
Meet the Rogue - For Altima drivers that want to be even more “rebellious”
The Rogue may just be too big to take the Altima crown. Is it maneuverable enough to weave through traffic? Low enough to somehow scrape its bumper constantly at stock ride height? These are the things Altima drivers value.
Tesla, All Of Them
Tesla. Are they driving bad because the crappy AI is not being monitored, or because the driver is actively an asshole who thinnks they are better than everyone else? Who knows, just know they are all driven bad. Expect chaos. Make sure you have your dashcam on too, you might get paid for the footage you shoot of their carnage.
Tesla came up a lot in these replies, particularly the Model 3. Is it the electric acceleration? The air of importance from owning The Car From The Guy That’s Gonna Save The World And Take Us All To Mars? Or is everyone just trying to crash theirs for the insurance write-off, so they no longer have to own The Car From The Guy That’s Gonna Save The World And Take Us All To Mars?
For new cars, it’ll probably be the Kicks. But Altimas are like cockroaches and most of them weren’t bought new anyway so they’ll still be the worst for a long time.
The Kicks, I worry, might be too cute. Its bubbly proportions simply aren’t threatening enough to other drivers on the road. If a Kicks shows up in your rear view mirror, doing approximately one million miles an hour, are you going to move over for it?
Now that the Altima AND the Dodge Charger AND the Chevy Malibu are ending production, there is only one left:
The Hyundai Elantra
The question is, why didn’t the Elantra already take the throne? It’s cheaper than the Altima, likely finances similarly — why did the Altima faithful look past the Elantra? What’s it missing?
Nissan still makes the Sentra. It’s even cheaper and shittier than the Altima. The Rogue is also still an option.
Bottom line, it’s gonna be hard (?) for anyone other than Nissan to take up that mantle.
The Sentra falls into the same category as the Elantra for me. It was already passed over by Altima Owners, when it seemingly serves their purposes just as well. Why?
I question the premise of this article:
[Photo of a crashed Mustang]
We’re gonna see a lot of Coyote swaps in the future, I take it, after the rear end of every living Mustang is swung into the nearest possible tree. Intact, low-mileage engines everywhere on eBay.
Something From Mitsubishi
Remember twenty years ago, when Altima Man (and Woman) tended to prefer Mitsubishi Galants? There are still a few of them out there, invariably on Pennsylvania plates in NYC at least. Maybe Mitsubishi can regain this, no doubt profitable, niche?
Finally, it’s here: The Eclipse Cross’s time to shine. This is the job it was made for, the singular purpose that drove every board meeting behind its creation.
I’m thoroughly convinced that every ‘new’ Altima sold comes pre-dented and has a bumper missing. Nissan has sold hundreds of thousands of these and the majority of them are still causing meme-worthy havoc on the roads, despite being what most insurance companies(as if Altima drivers had insurance) would consider totaled. They are the cockroaches of the road, and for every one that actually becomes truly demolished, non-running, desecrated, etc., 6 more will take its place.
The continued existence of Altimas being Altimas will continue on long after Nissan stops making new ones. It’s too early to call the Altima dead, because there are still hundreds of thousands of them weaving in and out of traffic at 108 MPH.
Even if every Altima’s lifespan is prolonged indefinitely, each car becoming a sort of automotive lich king that will forever curse our waking nightmares, the supply of Altima drivers is always changing — new ones will age into their licenses all the time. Do older drivers have to cede their cars to the youts, replacing them with something else anyway?
The Hyundai Sonata seems to be making a strong case for itself being the Altima replacement these days.
The Sonata is comparably sized and comparably priced to the Altima. It seems like a realistic second choice for all those drivers who would’ve otherwise forked their money over to the local Nissan dealer. But it’s not as pretty as the K5, and for that reason I still hope the Altima loyal prefer Kia.
No matter how fast I’m driving, it never fails that a Kia hamster car will spawn behind me, wanting to be going faster. I’ve seen way more hamster cars weaving in traffic than this whole Altima meme at this point.
I like to imagine every Kia Soul is blasting The Killers at all times. I think this should be legally mandated, actually. I’m calling my congressional representative right now, and I implore you to do the same.
There has been a swarm of second-hand Maserati Ghiblis in my area, and they all seem to be driven by someone more interested in their phone than piloting the 4000+ lbs of steel and glass an 20mph above the limit. I almost got sideswiped by one Sunday afternoon as the driver flew from the on-ramp across three lanes of traffic to get into the fast lane.
The Ghibli starts at over triple the MSRP of an Altima, but their values seem to crater worse than Chicxulub. That’s the crater made by the meteor that killed the dinosaurs. *The More You Know jingle*
To be a true replacement, it has to be under $25k and appeal to the sort of people who give precisely zero f***s about the rules of the road, even to the point of enjoying running their vehicle into yours.
The answer should be obvious.
[Photo of a bicycle]
Bicycles, unfortunately, have an issue inherent to their design that makes widespread use untenable. It’s why ebikes, motorcycles, trains, and even cars have proliferated while pedal bikes are, by all metrics more, convenient and usable: Pedaling suuuuuuuucks.
Kia Forte: +cheap, +CVT, +extra shitty scumbag dealers = Nissan Altima status.
I like the idea that a CVT is a dealbreaker for Altima owners. By god, they will not be caught dead driving a torque-converter automatic. How passé.
They already are where I live.
I’ll do you one better: Police auction Chargers. Cop tires, cop suspension, cop shocks, what more could you want? They’ve even got vinyl seats, for when your passengers puke from your asshole driving.