All image credits: Bentley

You know what pisses me off the most? Shitty wood. It’s worse than posers decked out in cubic zirconia and socks pretending to be fucking sneakers. There’s been too much shitty wood in this world for too long. It’s time to put a stop to it.

Luckily, Bentley recognizes that in the grand scheme of all that is wrong in this world, shitty wood is the problem that deserves attention. I can’t applaud the decision enough. Let the poors figure out their “voting” issues and “rights.” I have more important things to worry about.

Recently, a business partner and I were being chauffeured around one of my various properties in one of my Bentleys. “Is this real wood?” he had asked, rubbing his thumb on the glossy wood trim along the door. “It doesn’t feel real. You can’t feel the grain.”

Immediately, I ordered the driver to pull over, had my guards haul him away and locked him up in the tiny, dingy underground room I keep for people who ask stupid questions and serve my dinner too cold. And then I called Bentley and told them to make their wood better.

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“I don’t care how you do it,” I snarled into the phone at the sniveling employee on the other end, crushing a crystal flute of champagne in my bare hand and watching the shards of glass glittering in my skin (I can’t really feel pain anymore these days). “Hire a top wood expert if you have to. Get it the fuck done. Make sure it’s walnut.”

Twenty-four hours later, I have to admit even I was mildly impressed with Bentley’s brand-new, open-pore walnut veneer.

It comes from a special type of tree that you penniless lackeys wouldn’t know anything about:

Open-pore Walnut is sourced from a very special tree type that combines European Walnut and American Walnut.

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Even my trees have staff:

The specially grown trees are mainly planted in California, with Bentley’s wood experts visiting regularly to ensure that only the finest quality walnut veneer is selected. This is carefully cut from the textured section of the tree burl, which is only found between the outer layer of sap and the inner core.

And then:

The open-pore Walnut veneer is then painted with just three, ultra-thin layers of lacquer, together totalling only 0.1 mm in thickness. By comparison, Bentley’s High Gloss lacquer coating is 0.5 mm thick and has a glossy, smooth finish.

Each layer is applied by hand and sanded between applications, ensuring the lacquer sticks to the natural grooves of the wood. The resulting finish is wax-like and perfectly highlights the authentic, natural colour and texture of the walnut.

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Once I had this treatment performed on all of my Bentleys (which took the better part of a month), I had the partner dragged out from his cell. He was emaciated, pale and shaking. He smelled bad. I delicately covered my nose and mouth with a silk handkerchief.

“Feel that fucking wood,” I screamed. “Tell me if you can ‘feel the grain’ now, motherfucker! And,” I said, stopping him for a moment as inspiration struck me, “feel it with your face.”

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“What?” he stammered.

“Like this.” I motioned to a servant, who planted a hand on the partner’s head and smashed his face against the dash. He dragged the face back and forth across the wood a few times.

“See?” I hissed. “On high gloss lacquer, your greasy mug would squeal like a stuck pig across the wood. But this?” I rubbed the wax-like finish appreciatively with the tip of my index finger. “Satin-smooth and whisper quiet.”

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Don’t fuck with me and my wood.