Summer's coming, and we all know what that means: it's time to eliminate all last vestiges of personal safety in favor of looking like King Badass of Coolmotherfuckeristan. And boy do I have a way to do accomplish that: get yourself a Gyro-Boat, post haste.
That picture up there should give you pretty much all the information you need: guy, almost clinically relaxed in a yellow polo shirt and some shorts, is calmly surveying the landscape and sunbathing honeys as he flies around in his goddamn boat.
Eagle-eyed Jalopnik readers may be noticing a lack of two key elements: an engine, and any fucks available for Mr.Smoothford St.Lemonshirt to give. That's because the magical flying conveyance he's riding on is based on an autogyro, and as such needs no engine or fuel or anything beyond a friend to tow you. And with this, you'll have plenty of friends.
The Gyro-Boat is the brainchild of Igor Bensen, a maker of recreational autogyros back in the '50s. Auto gyros work on the principle of the unpowered rotary wing — essentially, a free-spinning helicopter-type set of blades. When propelled forward, the rotors spin and generate lift, allowing for flight. On most autogyros, there's an engine with a propeller to provide the thrust — in the case of the gyro-boat, there's a long cable and a friend with a motorboat.
These gyro-boat kits were actually sold between 1956-1959, and could be bought as simple kits you'd just attach to whatever little boat you had laying around. It would take off at 22 MPH and could cruise over 60 MPH. Just picture that for a minute. You, 30 feet in the air, flying along at 60 MPH while sitting in a little dinghy, with maybe a lap belt, as an unpowered pair of steel and plywood rotors swirl right over your head.
I honestly don't know if that would be terrifying or the one essential thing I really need to do in this world.
Some versions came with a pair of side pontoons to add stability when landing on rough seas, under the mistaken illusion that the part where you'd feel like you needed safety equipment would be when you're actually on the water.
No need for fuel, no engines to break down, no real need to even steer. Just you, the sky, the wind, and lots of booze to keep the terror at bay. I think we all have something to daydream about for today.