We've got a problem. A serious problem. We've had gift guides thus far for all the world's culture and sundries, all those for the clinically sane. But what if you really, really, really like go around licking windows and using tins of spam as bumper replacements? What then? What, indeed.

Some Dragon Vinyl Stickers


You've bought a stunning and viciously quick Audi R8, but how will everyone know that you're the living embodiment of the desiccated corpse of Smaug? Dragon vinyl stickers, obviously. Don't have an Audi R8? No problem. One of these on your Toyota Tercel is pretty much the exact same thing. ($59.99)

A Bugatti Veyron Shirt

Class it up at every party you go to with a shirt that reminds everyone that no, you don't own the $2 million-or-thereabouts hypercar, but yes, it exists, see it, it's right here, on your shirt. Also no one will ever invite you to parties again. ($18.49)

A Hawaiian Car Shirt


I was going to write a "bad" Hawaiian car shirt, but that's just redundant. Remember that list we did about assholes at car shows? All of them wear Hawaiian car shirts, and may all of those shirts look like this hideous brown mustard schmatta. It's what Bugatti Veyron Shirt Guy's dad wears all the time. ($46.49. No, the one I linked to isn't this exact shirt, but do you care? You're buying this because you're a weirdo, not because you actually want a specific awful shirt. Though you may, because you're strange. I suppose that's really your problem to deal with, in your bad shirt.)


A Porsche Design Pipe


A timeless classic, as Top Gear established. Porsche Design appears to have taken the ultimate in branded smoking utensils off their site, but if you look hard enough, you'll find one. ($500-$700)

A Leather Tie


We put leather all over the interior of our cars, so why not wear some leather tied in a knot around your neck? No, don't get any funny ideas. This is not some BDSM thing. This is a very professional-looking, genuine, perforated leather tie. You will surely be quite the catch at your next local business conference, and it'll match stunningly with the bodies you've got in your basement. ($90.00)

A Dale Call T-Shirt

The Dale Call has to be one of the most annoying marketing gimmicks ever devised over the past decade. We would know, as someone sent one to our office and now everyone hates us. But sadly, Dale Calls are all sold out. If your supreme desire to annoy everyone cannot be stifled by such trivial matters as "availability," get a Dale Call t-shirt. It features an annoying slogan, a picture of said Dale Call, and also an advertisement for Mtn Dw. Available only in youth sizes, because you want your kid to be That Kid. ($23.95)


A Kyle Busch Team Jacket


Don't just eat M&M's, be M&M's. ($104.95)

A Stuffed Suspension Strut Thing


From the description:

Dampachi is the official mascot and spokesperson for Tein Suspension. Dampachi is the perfect JDM friend to ride around with you in your car. Measures approximately 12" in height. 100% Genuine Tein product! Made by Tein Japan.


Okay. ($34.99)

A Lamborghini Bolo Tie


Only the weirdest, strangest, goat-talking crazy-eyed nut would want to wear one of these tasteless, horrible, morally offensive excuses for automotive curiosity the world has ever seen. (Note: Jalopnik's esteemed Editor-in-Chief, Matt Hardigree, said he would totally rock one of these.) ($12.99)

Got anymore totally out there gift ideas? Drop them in the comments below!

Topshot credit: Jason Torchinsky

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