If you have the misfortune of encountering one of these assclowns at your local Cars & Coffee, Concours D'Elegance or wherever, do not engage. I repeat, do not engage.
Before you touch a car at a car show ask yourself one question; "do I own this car?" If the answer is no don't lean on it while your friend takes a picture, sit in the driver seat and make "vroom, vroom" noises, or anything else inappropriate. If it is your car, do whatever you'd like.
Special mention goes to parents who don't tell their young cherubs not to touch everything they see. Good for you for raising the next generation of enthusiasts, bad on you for not setting them straight.
Uh huh. I'm sure your stock V6 Mustang is one of the secret prototypes Ford made that can outrun a Ferrari 458. That is a thing I totally believe.
Reader Chris_K_F has this fool pretty well pegged:
"From the second he opens his mouth it's obvious that he knows as much about cars as he does about the First Opium War. He makes wild claims of ridiculous 0-60 and 1/4 mile times and huge horsepower numbers. He will tell you all about he smoked a brand new GT-R or Shelby GT500, and how he's going to do a ton of new mods soon or how he just had to take his turbos off because it was too fast to be street legal."
No one likes a know-it-all, even if they do in fact know it all. Don't be a jerk, like the type mcflipper encountered:
"If I compliment the shade of green on your Mercedes, the correct response is to say thank you, not 'Actually, it's called Sicilian Olive—and it's Mercedes-Benz, by the way.'"
Why did you go through the trouble to drive to a car show when you're going to be standoffish to anyone who wants to talk about your car? If you show up in a Lamborghini Islero, I'm going to talk to you.
Reader HorsepowerProbs has an excellent example:
"I met an old guy with a crazy-clean '69 Mach 1 Mustang resto-mod car. I liked the vintage Recaro seats that were in it so I walked over, told the owner I loved his car and asked what kind of seats he had? The conversation:
Me: Love you car - what kind of seats are those?
Douche: (in asshole tone) They're racing seats...
Me: I realize that but what's the particular seat model - like is it aftermarket or is it out of an old racercar or something?
Douche: It's not stock. It's a racing seat I put it in there.
Me: I know it's not stock but but what kind of seat is it?
Douche: I bought the seats, they're not factory. It's a Recaro racing seat."
I'll let Black Flag's own Stef Schrader handle these douchenozzles:
"The worst, worst, WORST human beings I ever tend to meet are the Dumb Street Racing Story Guys.
Usually, this happens whenever someone sees a female at a car meet. Hey! It's a woman! Talking about cars! WAT.
And then, of course, fully expecting that I don't know that the Fast and Furious films are works of fiction, and that I'm secretly a sixteen-year-old who still thinks this kind of fartknockery on public roads is cool, out comes the dumb.
Hi. I'm at an age where I can afford to hoon my toys legally, responsibly, and out of the way of old ladies walking their dogs along all the "fun" roads.
No, I am not impressed when you talk about rolling a Miata on a Hill Country Drive.
I'm not impressed by your third gear pulls against someone's bone stock GT-R on I-35 because a) it takes zero talent to floor a street car in a straight line in ONE GEAR and b) dude probably just wanted to be left alone in his sweet ride and didn't even know your WRX that's held together with chewing gum and spit was trying to "race" you.
I really have zero interest in meeting up in a parking lot late at night with a bunch of yahoos who are mentally twelve and don't realize how much of a bad idea it is to get on roads where other traffic doesn't expect you to be racing and have a go.
I do not care about the cars you've "smoked bro." If you had actual talent, you probably wouldn't feel the need to brag about it all the time. That's usually the case.
Seriously, the second a dude starts bragging about being a fartbutt on a public road is the second I start planning my clever exit strategy. "Oh, uh, I think I know this dude over here."
I have zero patience for braggarts in the first place, and even less so when it's all dumb stuff that's just a bad idea. Half the time, the stories don't even make sense. It's practically an insult to my IQ that they'd think I'd believe whatever comes out of their mouth, because woman or something."
This isn't a place where people come to only see your car. Please be cooler than the asshole TheJWT encounters:
"At the C&C I go to, there's always the same guy with his Tesla Model S, who just stands by it the entire show and talks his head off about why it's the greatest car of all time. I don't think he knows that there are other cars there besides his."
"Oh nice 911SC, dude! I used to have a GT2RS but I sold it because it wasn't fast enough." True or not, this jerk needs to stop. No one likes a one-upper.
Be careful not to mistake this guy with the pedantic jerk, because this guy doesn't actually know what the hell they're talking about. PonchoIndian encountered a great one:
"I have brought one of my personal cars to one cruise night and was told by one "expert" that my car has been modified, some of the parts on it are incorrect. Which if funny because I ordered the car new and am the only owner. The only non-original parts are the oil, oil filter and coolant."
These turds pull off the impressive trick of both being jerks and idiots! Well done, clowns!
Look, people bring their car shows to be proud and show off what they've got – you might not like their car, but don't insult someone else's car to their face. MontegoMan562 knows the pain well:
"I've had people literally point and laugh because one of my fenders is off colored.
I paid 2500 bucks for my 68 Montego and I spun the tires on the way to the car show, sorry I don't have the 5k ready to paint it yet. It's a work in progress and no I don't need to leave it in the garage until it's finished. It's a 10 car "car show" at a parts store not a CONCOURSE event."
Don't be a troll. No one likes trolls.
Burnouts are great! That is if you're in a safe environment. They're not for when you peel out of the car show parking lot and piss everyone else off, or worse, endanger everyone's safety.
Do you really want to be the asshole who causes your local show to lose its venue, or cause horrible damage to people and/or property? Didn't think so.
Welcome back to Answers of the Day - our daily Jalopnik feature where we take the best ten responses from the previous day's Question of the Day and shine it up to show off. It's by you and for you, the Jalopnik readers. Enjoy!
Top Photo Credit: Brandon Arneson via YouTube