It’s a crazy world out there, and, as gearheads, we find ourselves on the streets more than most, since that’s the natural habitat of cars. The street is also where street drugs come from, so it only makes sense that a whole sub-category of street drugs would arise with the innocent and vulnerable car-lover in their sights. This list will help you identify the most common and dangerous automotive-themed street drugs that plague our streets and driveways, at least in my mind.
Remember, if anyone offers you any of these things, seek the authorities immediately. Don’t piss your time and money away chasing a cheap high—you need to piss away your time and money on your car, remember.
Okay. Take notes:
1. Pontiac Azteketamine: a mixture of ketamine and chili powder pressed into misshapen lumps.
2. Dark Prince Lucas: Black tar heroin and Worcestershire sauce usually pounded into chocolated laxatives. Causes blindness.
3. Ten Dub: Meth diluted into 10W-40 weight motor oil, sucked out of tubes.
4. Silver Shadow: Cocaine cut with party glitter.
5. Deux Cheveaux: 2ml of cocaine and Valium (hence 2CV, like the Citroën), mixed into absinthe and sucked out of vials.
6. Chevy Suburbang: Uncooked hot dogs soaked in grain alcohol, to be swallowed whole
7. Fannies or Beltie Bits: a conventional car fan belt, cut into small, roughly one inch chunks, and coated in LSD or, in a Floridian variant, bath salts. Chewed like gum.
8. Rear Brakes: the act of getting high by squirting brake cleaner up one’s rectum. Unclear if this has any intoxicating effect.
9. Aston Martini: a cocktail made by dissolving pressed peyote balls in gin.
10. Cold Cranking: The act of huffing starter fluid while applying 12V electric shocks to one’s body, often the genitals
Be careful out there, everybody.