Photo: Bizuayehu Tesfaye (AP)

After a five-year hiatus, hipster-but-also-popular band Arctic Monkeys have finally released their newest album, Tranquility Base Hotel & Casino. I, for one, couldn’t wait, mostly because of the fact that this album featuring a song that I thought was going to be incredible. That song was called The World’s First Ever Monster Truck Front Flip.

When the track list came out, I was stoked. I’m thinking, this song is going to be the absolute number one banger of summer 2018. I’m thinking, how can you mess up a song about the world’s first ever Monster Truck front flip? I’m thinking, set a Google calendar reminder to check that out ASAP on May 11 because this song is going to be revolutionary.

Friends. I am very disappointed to report that The World’s First Ever Monster Truck Front Flip does not sound anything like the world’s first ever Monster Truck front flip. Please compare our two samples below:

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It’s not a bad song. But it is a very mellow song. It is three exact minutes of a slow, repetitive beat with the very typical Arctic Monkeys-style lyrics bemoaning a not-quite-lover (maybe?) or a disconnect from society (possibly?) in such highly metaphorical terms that the phrase “the world’s first ever monster truck front flip” actually makes a verbatim appearance apropos of absolutely nothing but intended to convey… the possibility of the heretofore thought impossible? I am not sure.

To be entirely honest, this song does not really seem to be about anything that I can decipher. Monster trucks are featured in the same 180 seconds as gaining access to lily pads, bastard Latin, and “the exotic sound of data storage”. How are all these things related, you ask? I am not sure, but the Arctic Monkeys appear to see the world through a very different lens than the rest of us.

And here I was, hoping for a killer song about monster trucks.

This, my readers, is not a song to flip monster trucks to. This is not really even a song I would go for a casual Sunday drive to. This is a song for when you have a crush on someone that you will never have a chance with and get tipsy and complain to your friends about all the things you love/hate about them. This is a song when you want to feel as tranquil as the album title implies and therefore listen to songs so very confusing that you have no choice but to find comfort in the fact that you will never understand them.

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Will I listen to this song again? Yes. I probably will. Because I used Tumblr in 2013 and just like every other teenager on Tumblr, I thought their edgy coolness was worthy of a place in my heart.

Will I be making a dramatic montage of all the angles of the world’s first ever monster truck front flip to the sweet sounds of The World’s First Ever Monster Truck Front Flip? No. No, I will not.