Racing driver and son of a two-time Indianapolis 500 champ more famous than he is Arie Luyendyk Jr. is the next bachelor on The Bachelor. We at Jalopnik know that racing drivers can struggle with interacting with regular people, so we’re offering our expert advice at wooing the ladies.
I didn’t realize The Bachelor was still a thing, but it apparently is! Sadly, like far too many racing drivers hovering around the Indy-sphere, a reality TV appearance will probably get Luyendyk more attention from the general public than his last grand prix start. While that’s a depressing fact that makes me lose even more of my feeble faith in humanity, it’s also a good case for going onto these ridiculous shows.
So far, things are going rough for Luyendyk. Before he was even announced as The Bachelor’s bachelor, his ex-girlfriend Sydney Stempfley (confirmed by the folks at People) suggested that he was less than faithful on Twitter:
Oof! But let’s be honest—who ever really expects these reality TV relationships to work, anyway?
This isn’t Luyendyk’s first shot at reality TV love, either. He came in second on The Bachelorette’s eighth season—just like his highest Indy Lights finish. That led to a cameo in a later season of The Bachelor and an appearance on Wipeout’s “Bachelors vs. Bachelorettes” episode, where he was eliminated early. Before that, he appeared on Hell’s Kitchen in 2009, presumably seeking a caring spatula for cookie and enchilada making.
You can do better this season, Arie! You’ve got this! We have faith in you, man! Here’s how you can find true success and love this time, for real.
If there’s one thing I value in a man more than anything else, it’s openness and honesty. Those are the very foundations of a quality, lasting relationship that will serve you well long after the show is over. I know it’s tempting to give bland, television-friendly answers for everything—after all, that’s the one thing every racing driver excels at.
But you have to be open about who you are, right from the very start. Using a lot of words to say exactly nothing is something that only works in press conferences—not with real, live women. You should lead off by telling her why you’re really on the show, just to be sure.
You don’t have to get too involved with your backstory. Just open up during some of the show’s wholly manufactured and cheesy alone time:
Hey, you’re really beautiful and sort of interesting in that bland, pumpkin spice scented Basic Woman No. 5 kind of way. I’m really just on this show to enhance my visibility to potential sponsors who may not be paying much attention to the radness that is Stadium Super Trucks. By being here, I hope to increase my ability to pay for rides next season.
See, now, was that too hard?
Like the last one, I know this is a big stretch for many racing drivers, and especially the contestants on The Bachelor. Honestly, you could replace the entire series’ run of bland dudes with life-size Ken dolls and I really wouldn’t have ever noticed. This is why it’s important for you, a guy who races trucks that jump in the air for a living, to stand out.
Quite frankly, I’m at a loss here, so why not wear a fun hat? Go full Jamiroquai with your head. I’m talking big neon fuzzy things as headwear. It can’t hurt.
Well, unless they’re paying you to do so. I mean, I like money, too. I think the ladies on the show would understand. But unless they are giving you money specifically for your show appearance, leave the sponsors with the race truck. If they want a mention, they better pay extra up-front.
Come to think of it, this could be a valuable way for you to get additional funding for your racing efforts. Forget the ladies. Get money.
Talking about racing is probably fine. We’re admittedly talking a lot of smack in our advice, but the Jalopnik staff is barely allowed to race Lemons. Meanwhile, you’re still in the pros, gettin’ it. I can’t hate on that.
But we also know what’s good and not so good to introduce yourself with, and it’s probably best to keep that one time in 2008 under wraps until you pick up that she’s into slightly misbehaving boys.
Back in October 2008, Luyendyk got arrested twice in one week—once for driving with a suspended license, and again six days later for not having a valid registration, Starcasm notes. I get that these are minor offenses in the grander scheme of things, but on the other hand, do you see our editor-in-chief introducing himself with stories of his three days in the Virginia slammer? Don’t lie about it, but save it for later, after you get to know each other more.
Lead off with another fun fact instead, like your favorite kind of cheese, or the best places to yell at small children.
Satiate America’s desire for carnage and mayhem by livening up the elimination process! I mean, that’s why we watch reality television in the first place: we just want to see the world burn.
Put the losing lady into a Demolition Derby, drop her into a tank of live sharks or chase her away with frickin’ laser beams. The Bachelor consistently snubs television viewers like me because there aren’t enough chase scenes and explosions. Why not fix that? Just because you’re on a gooey mushy show about love doesn’t mean you can’t take your racing-fan audience with you.
Few things I’ve ridden in are as simultaneously hilarious and terrifying as a Stadium Super Truck. If you’re looking for an easy way to narrow down the field, give her a ride along on a course somewhere.
Awesome chicks will dig it. Dumb ones will not. Duhhh. Simple as that.
I realize that this is a completely superficial judgment, and you may be okay with a woman who is into different things than you. That’s cute, but ignore that here—it will make for hilarious television.
Bonus: this might actually get me to pay attention to something aired on The Bachelor—a feat which has never been achieved before.
Take it from someone who’s seen too many friends disappear from this hobby because their significant other felt it was dangerous: if she’s worried about the danger of racing wheel-to-wheel, just run away. Run away! There is no reasoning with fear. It’s a trap. RUN.
With our help, you should be able to find true love and make this the best season of The Bachelor ever. Fair warning, though: I’m probably going to change the channel if Dale Jr.’s home renovation show is on at the same time. Those have hammers and stuff.