In these turbulent times, it’s nice to have things to not worry about. For example, the probability of my ever owning and driving a Rolls-Royce Cullinan SUV are somewhere between zero and never going to fucking happen. And I am absolutely, completely fine with that. Even if I had special surgery to implant an advanced waste-donation cybernetic organ in my colon, I could not give a shit about this boring-looking overpriced SUV. So when Rolls-Royce announced that they were selling 1:8-scale models of the SUV starting at $17,000, I also felt myself gleefully free from desire for this joyless tchotchke.
I should mention that the $17,000 price is from one source that claims it starts there, while Top Gear estimates the cost at closer to $35,000. Really, it barely matters, since if you’re paying anywhere between those two prices for a model like this just so someone can come in your house, see it proudly placed on a specially-lit shelf, and ask “hey, where’d you get that cool Kia Telluride model?” then you’re simply using money wrong.
Rolls-Royce seems to think this is a great way to still get money to Rolls during this pandemic-induced era of less travel. And, while I guess that’s true, and while it’s clear this model is built to absolutely absurd standards of quality and detail, it still doesn’t change the fact that from a distance it looks like pretty much every other mid-to-fancy SUV in the Target parking lot, and, as a model, that distance can be as small as, oh, two feet.
But, that’s not stopping Rolls-Royce from making breathless videos like this:
Or describing it like this:
The replica is hand-painted using Rolls-Royce colour-matched paint, then hand-polished to the marque’s exacting specification; the coachline is even applied using a fine brush, just as it is on the original. Clients may choose from a palette of around 40,000 ‘standard’ colours, or replicate their own personal Bespoke finish. The fully-functioning exterior lights are operated by a Cullinan-branded remote control; under the bonnet is a perfect likeness of the iconic 6.75-litre twin-turbocharged V12 engine.
On opening the coach doors, illuminated treadplates are revealed, leading to an interior designed and executed with the materials, skill and attention to detail lavished on Cullinan itself. From the headrest embroidery and wood finishes to seat piping and stitching, these Bespoke creations allow clients to recreate their full-size vehicle with astonishing accuracy, or even envision future Cullinans to add to their collection.
Sure, it’s all impressive, but, really, who gives a shit? There’s no way in hell this thing is worth $17,000, because, let’s be brutally honest here, the car the model is based on is just not that interesting. Period.
There are so many better ways to spend $17,000 to satisfy some perverse desire to have a model Cullinan. You could commission an artist to carve one from something like pumice or cheese or something, or, even better, you could get a much more fun and engaging SUV like this JDM 1994 Toyota Land Cruiser for $12,000 and then get 562 Rolls-Royce Cullinan (they call them “Currynan,” but still) models from Alibaba and fill up the back with them.
If you did that instead of pissing away your money on a hyper-realistic toy car far too valuable for you to ever really touch or enjoy, you could have a real, much, much cooler and practical SUV along with so many Rolls-Royce models you could give two each out to 250 people to use as roller skates and still have plenty left over.
I realize this is just my opinion, and if you have this kind of cash to blow on a model Cullinan, of course you’re free to do so.
But you’d be an idiot.