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Rental Car Companies Are Idiots When It Comes To Keys

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So I just locked myself out of the rental car my insurance company is providing while the claim for my Beetle gets worked out. It's partially my own fault, of course, but it should be a pretty easy thing to fix. After all, the rental company was nice enough to provide a lavish two keys with the car. Two keys! A main key and a backup! I'm saved, right? Wrong. Because both keys are locked on the same ring. Fuuuuuuuuuuck.


As I'm standing here, staring at those two fucking keys laying on the floor of the hatch, mocking me, all I can think about is how much I hate Enterprise and the entire rental car establishment right now. And that squirrel over there, looking at me with that stupid blank look on his smug little furry fucking face. Is there anything stupider than providing two keys with a car, and then joining them permanently together with a piece of braided steel cable? No, there isn't.

In fact, I asked the drooling, pants-soiling simpletons at Enterprise if I could separate the keys myself over a week ago, because I was sick of the incredible bulk in my pants pocket that didn't look enough like an impressively large penis to justify keeping in there. They told me no, I was most certainly not allowed to do that.


Enterprise isn't the only company to do this — this level of idiocy seems to be all over the car-rental world, like a plague of derr. There must be some reason why it's like this, some cost savings, some logistical reason, but the end result still sucks.

They probably want to keep the keys together so they can have both when they eventually sell the abused, hooned car to some poor sap. But still, fuck them. The gut-level, visceral rage and frustration at seeing two keys locked in a car, knowing that if they weren't so fucking stupid, you wouldn't be stuck waiting an hour and a half and your wife could take your kid to the zoo like you promised him and that second key is right there, right fucking there, inches away from your face pressed up against the stupid glass you're seriously thinking about smashing with a goddamn brick.

Two keys. One unlockable keychain. Let's do a pro/con list of this idea!!

PRO: Both keys are bound together, joined in their mutual fates! It's like love!


Luckily, I have an immediate solution to this problem. Whoever came up with this inane idea at each major rental car company should simply take all the bound keys and, one by one, force them deeply into their own rectums with their fingers.


Also, please consider separating the goddamn keys. Oh, and Ford, your fob should wait for me to lock the goddamn car before deciding to do it on its own.

UPDATE: A number of our readers are beautiful, sexy cyborgs who never make mistakes like locking keys in cars, so they're disappointed in my anger and blaming of the sweet, innocent rental car company. Many have asked how, just how, could keys be locked in a car? So, here's the breakdown of events:

• Unlock car (Ford Focus 4 dr hatch) with fob. Then, realize that didn't open hatch, so click hatch open button.


• Wrestle plastic kid-car stroller thing into hatch. In process of finding a way to make the non-folding item fit, remove parcel shelf.

• In process, accidentally drop keys into trunk area.

• Close trunk, walk back to house.

• As wife and kid get ready to go, realize keys are gone. Rummage through stuff, then realize they're in car.


• Think that car can't be locked with keys in it, because I never hit the 'lock' button on the fob.

• Be proved wrong. Feel confusion, anger at Ford. Then see the keys. Both keys, sitting on trunk floor, get filled with rage, call AAA, write this post.


I hope that helps. Yes, I'm generally an idiot, but this time I think the chain of actions merits some rantings. Maybe the Ford auto-lock deserves its own, as well.