Photo credit Raphael Orlove

A Stancepocalypse came raining down on the quiet beach town of Ocean City, Maryland this year. It is in ruins, its main strip and side streets laid to waste by a swarm of illegally low cars. The city is not sitting idly by! It demands a return to order. It demands respect. It demands pickleball, and/or the National Guard.

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H2Oi, the most ticketed car show in America, was officially cancelled this year. But that didn’t stop what must have been thousands of modified car owners from meeting on the warm waters of the Atlantic in late September to see their friends, eat lots of crab and also post snaps of some guy in a Miata doing a burnout in front of a cop.

At some point in the weekend, the cops went after a guy for having weed, he made a run for it and ended up hitting two officers before jumping into the bay. After that weekend, the city vowed that it would do something, that it would act.

Now, tonight, the Ocean City Council is addressing safety and security for H2Oi and other car shows at their meeting, and their “motor events action plan” is, uh, quite something.

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“Immediate action is required to reverse this undesired trend of lawlessness, civil disobedience and disrespect for our town,” the action plan reads, asking for rolling road blocks, a curfew, speed humps and other more mundane measures, like timing roadway construction to start right before events.

Should all of that not work, Ocean City proposes keeping the National Guard on call:

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H2Oi is not the only “motor event” that takes place in Ocean City, and is far from the only one to be filled with dudes doing haggard burnouts. Conveniently, the city ranked how these events sit in their eyes:

It would appear the Corvette people know how to behave themselves; perhaps they are happy sticking to the antique stores and playing Bobby Darin on their Delco radios at a reasonable volume.

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What does the city propose take the place of a motor event like H2Oi? A. Youth Sports Tournaments, Pickle Ball Championship, or Senior Citizen Olympics.

With these measures, the wicked and incomprehensibly dangerous and destructive scourge of stance cars may finally clear out from the blissful utopia of Ocean City. The cloud may someday lift, like a that last bit of tire smoke wafting away across the water.

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Please find these documents here on the Town of Ocean City website, with its action plan and event rating papers. May Ocean City be protected from camber, underglow, three-piece wheels and widebody kits from this day forth.

Jalopnik will update this story when we know how the council chose to act.