“Hey! Can’t you see I’m fappin’ here?” A New Jersey man was arrested Thursday evening after parking his Dodge minivan in the middle of the Lincoln Tunnel to masturbate, reports New York. His PCP-fueled van fapstravaganza held up rush hour traffic in what is one of the nation’s busiest tunnels.
Ismael Esquilin, age 48, clearly saw romance in the moist, cool tile walls and heavy traffic that the rest of us, well, don’t. However, Esquilin may have imagined far sexier things than the rest of us in there, as he was under the influence of PCP at the time, according to the New York Daily News.
To his credit, Esquilin didn’t attempt to fap and drive at the same time, however, holding up traffic for a wank is perhaps the most obvious way to get busted for being high I can think of. The van was left idling with the keys in the ignition.
When police got to the van, they found Esquilin shedding his clothes and “performing a lewd act,” as Port Authority spokesman Joe Pentangelo described it to New York. Cops found a glass pipe and PCP, and charged Esquilin with a DUI, reckless driving, drug possession and impeding traffic. (I suppose “reckless parking” fits under “reckless driving” in this case.)
The Lincoln Tunnel goes underneath the Hudson River to connect Manhattan, New York, with Weehawken, New Jersey. Esquilin was on the New Jersey-bound side of the tunnel.