Screenshot: Top Gear (YouTube)

If you’re on the hunt for a new automobile, sensible consumer advice can be hard to come by. You’ll spend many hours reading reviews, deliberating over how to spend your hard-earned cash, when really, what you should do is watch this four minute Top Gear clip in which host Chris Harris basically gives you all of the answers.

“[The small SUVs are] all complete shitboxes. I’d have a Golf. Where’s the Golf? Ah! Here’s the Golf!” Chris Harris yells like a madman before declaring his blisteringly hot take:

Right, you can forget about all this stuff. Forget about all those SUVs and forget these hatchbacks. Just buy a Golf. It does a better job than all of these cars put together. Golf! Golf? Golf!”

Top Gear assembled 28 vehicles for Harris to assess in just a matter of a few minutes, and—being the Jalop that he is—Harris dispatches all of them with ease:

In some ways, the video feels like a roast—Harris goes after everything from the Hyundai i10 to the Renault Twingo to the Toyota Aygo, the last of which he calls “terribly cheap and horrible.”

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The VW Polo and Mini also take some heat, and all the small SUVs are declared “shitboxes.” Harris describes the Discovery’s styling as “terrible,” and goes after the Hyundai Santa Fe and just large SUVs in general before telling the world how good the BMW 5 Series and Mercedes E-Class are.

He tells it like it is. So there you are: the answers to the dreaded “What car should I buy?” exam. You’re welcome.