Woman Steering Car With Her Feet Finds New Balance To Texting While Driving

Get it, she’s wearing New Balances!
Get it, she’s wearing New Balances!

“Let me just send this text while I steer my car through traffic with my feet, it should be okay,” this woman must be thinking as she texts while steering her car through traffic with her feet.

Personally, I hate feet. They are, more often than not, disgusting. I want mine and your feet as far away from me and what I’m touching as anatomically possible. Those people that pick shit up off of the floor with their toes? Those people freak me out. Anybody who uses their feet for anything other than balance and movement are wrong. That’s not cool.


I understand feet, appendages included, are anatomically similar to hands, which are the basis of most of our physical interactions with the world around us. But that’s just it—we’ve evolved and as a result our feet hold mainly one purpose: to stay on the ground, where they belong.

Feet do not belong:

  1. near my face
  2. near my body
  3. on things that touch my face
  4. on things that I frequently touch
  5. on objects that I cherish or otherwise frequently hold
  6. anything of value
  7. the steering wheel of a moving car in traffic
  8. anywhere but the ground or as far from your head as you can manage

Lady, not only is your operation of a motor vehicle via feet disgusting to me, but it’s incredibly dangerous. You put yourself and other motorists around you at risk, and for what? To text somebody? Are you taking a photo of your New Balances, posing them on the wheel of the death machine you’re piloting?

They’re New Balances. Nobody cares about your New Balances. Those are the shoes of Middle School.

I’m assuming some people out there (who are likely reckless) don’t mind the sort of person who uses their feet for tasks that hands are more than capable of accomplishing, and therefore these people likely care about you and hope that you don’t die in a car accident for driving with your feet.

Via SelectAll

Reviews Editor, Jalopnik



They’re New Balances. Nobody cares about your New Balances. Those are the shoes of Middle School.

The New Balance 420s, 996s, 997s, and 998s would like to disagree with you.