If Humans Evolved To Survive Car Crashes We'd Look Like This Guy

Illustration for article titled If Humans Evolved To Survive Car Crashes We'd Look Like This Guy

You know how when you’re smashing through the windshield of a car you’ve just wrecked, you always find your mind wandering to the same thing: how would my body be different if humans evolved to deal with this sort of thing better? Then you hit the pavement and everything goes black. Luckily, the Traffic Accident Commission of Melbourne, Australia has an answer for you.

Illustration for article titled If Humans Evolved To Survive Car Crashes We'd Look Like This Guy

Yes, now we no longer have to lay there in pools of our own blood and teeth and idly wonder how our bodies could better cope with the considerable physical stresses of a car crash – those hardworking scientists and artists at Australia’s TAC have done the hard work for us.

A team of doctors, artists, and engineers have collaborated to produce a vision of a human evolved to have maximum survivability in a car crash. They named him Graham. As a bonus, he’s possibly the creepiest fucking thing you’ll see for weeks!

Also, as an aside, I’d like to issue a formal request to the Mayor of Internet that the internet’s Rule 34 be suspended here. I don’t want to see what might be done with those air-filled sacs on his rib cage. Please.

Here’s the team’s introduction video for Graham. You may want to grab your monogrammed retch-satchel now:

Once you get over that innate shock of seeing a human form so radically distorted, the proposed evolutions make a lot of sense. The elimination of the neck gets rid of a major vulnerability, though maybe at the expense of head motility/visibility? Maybe that won’t matter so much if we can survive wrecks so well. Those gross air sacs on the ribcage help absorb shock (like the side panels of a Citroën Cactus, and seem to make a lot of sense, though I feel uneasy looking at them – are those little orifices on them? Do they expel air or fluid in an impact? Please don’t make me wonder how they smell. Dammit, there’s that thought.

Illustration for article titled If Humans Evolved To Survive Car Crashes We'd Look Like This Guy


Here’s a bunch of videos that break down all of the key Graham details:

Graham’s face is fatty and flat, cartilaginous protuberances like ears and noses seem to have receded into the head, skin is thicker and tougher, knees and ankles have more joints and can extend more – really, from a durability standpoint, Graham’s the total package.


It also seems that Graham could kick anyone’s ass in a fight as well, if you were foolish enough to make fun of his little goatee or his seeming refusal to put a goddamn shirt on, already.

I really like this project, and think the artists and engineers did a fantastic job. The degree to which the result is unsettling is perfect, because it shows just how far outside the warranty of humanity so much of what we do is. Of course we were never made to travel 80 MPH and withstand the forces of a car wreck, but we do it anyway.

And before you get too smug about how Graham there looks compared to you, remember: in Graham’s world, people zoom around in Bugeye Sprites at 120 MPH on wet roads and drive 2CVs into walls just to get laughs. They’re having a blast.


Senior Editor, Jalopnik • Running: 1973 VW Beetle, 2006 Scion xB, 1990 Nissan Pao, 1991 Yugo GV Plus, 2020 Changli EV • Not-so-running: 1977 Dodge Tioga RV (also, buy my book!: https://rb.gy/udnqhh)


Stef Schrader

Eventually, Graham’s gonna get bored, put a bigger engine in that Bugeye Sprite to make it do 220 mph and hurt himself royally. Sorry, slow, gradual process of evolution. That’s how it works. Humanity is largely doomed as a species and no amount of Cactus-style squirting pus-sacks can save us from ourselves.