If Giant Monsters Attack, Is A Modern SUV The Best Place To Be?

Illustration for article titled If Giant Monsters Attack, Is A Modern SUV The Best Place To Be?

As we all know, the year 2020 is widely accepted to be when the Bible’s Book of Galifracians predicts there will be a “Great Stompinating” as hordes of gigantic land-leviathans and other colossal beasts attack our cities, because of our hubris or eating the wrong meats on the wrong days or something religious like that. That’s why it’s more important than ever to address this question: when the giant monsters come, where should you hide? I’ve considered it, and I think a modern SUV is your best bet.


If you open your Bible and flip to Galifracians 15:11, immediately following the famous line “And thou shalt submarineth forth...” you find the description of the carnage, and it’s mostly a lot of huge feet stomping on things, smashing buildings, tails and tentacles whacking into things, and things being grabbed, chewed, and dropped.

That’s why I firmly believe that when this happens if you want to survive, get your ass into a modern SUV.

The good news here is that modern SUVs are absolutely goddamn everywhere, so finding one should be no issue. While most modern cars will work in a pinch, a modern SUV is the best choice for riding out the Stompinating.

It’s got very little to do with how SUVs actually are as usable vehicles—in that context, they tend to be too bulky, not roomy enough, handle crappily, aren’t very efficient, and generally would be better served by a station wagon or something.

Illustration for article titled If Giant Monsters Attack, Is A Modern SUV The Best Place To Be?

But in the context of being, say, stepped on by a giant mutant ox hoof, they start to make more sense: the higher ride height, increased wheel/suspension travel, and large tires of an SUV allow for more energy absorption when being stepped on, and, since they have to meet modern car crash standards, SUVs are full of airbags and crumple zones and safety unibody cages that work as well for both high-speed collisions with other cars and objects as they would for high-speed collisions with swinging tentacles or limbs.


Our own Justin Westbrook claimed he’d rather hide in, say, the New York subway tunnels when the giant monkeys or whatever come, and I think that’s foolish. Aside from being trapped in a urine-soaked tunnel full of other panicked New Yorkers, those giant monster feet could just smash through the ground and rain rubble into those claustrophobic tunnels, and then no amount of stolen bodega Snickers bars will help you, Justin.

And then, of course, there are the CHUDS.

Compare that to being holed up in a premium SUV, comfortable in your own climate-controlled, leather-slathered mini-bunker, listening to the dire news on satellite radio, and, if an errant foot or tentacle actually comes your way, a-smashing, confident in knowing you’re in a steel cage designed to keep you alive even when slammed into things at pretty high speeds.


What do you think? What’s your plan if you get caught by a rampaging giant monster? SUV or in a building? Underground? Cyanide tooth? Let us know!

Senior Editor, Jalopnik • Running: 1973 VW Beetle, 2006 Scion xB, 1990 Nissan Pao, 1991 Yugo GV Plus, 2020 Changli EV • Not-so-running: 1977 Dodge Tioga RV (also, buy my book!: https://rb.gy/udnqhh)



Funny enough, I was in a real-life scenario that’s probably about as close to Torch’s scenario as possible...and an SUV is exactly where I went to for safety.

Myself, my cousin, and his wife were spending a weekend camping and scuba diving at a well known quarry in Ohio when a dereche (aka, noreaster) struck just as we were getting out of the water from a dive.

The sky went from clear blue to the darkest I’ve ever seen during the day in the time it took us to swim about 50 feet to the dock from where we surfaced. The picked up almost instantaneously and reached speeds I’d never seen before.

Our campsite (and quarry) where in a wooded area, and thick tree branches started falling all around us. We left our dive gear on the dock and rushed up to our campsite in an attempt to maybe salvage some of it. My cousin and I were holding our largest tent to the ground, trying to keep it from blowing away when a large branch fell directly between, destroying the tent in the process. We both looked at each and other and I yelled “Get in the car, NOW!”. The car was my mom’s Ford Expedition I had borrowed for the trip. The 3 of us crawled into it while branches and trees fell all around us. As it got even worse, I instructed everyone to get their heads down. I knew if a tree fell on us, our best chance was for the SUV’s rigid structure to keep us safe, but a tree was still going to leave a helluva dent if it fell on the roof in the right spot.

We ended (the three of us and my mom’s car) got out safe and sound. The rest of the camp wasn’t so lucky. Fallen trees were everywhere. No one was able to leave due to fallen logs blocking the road everywhere. We spent a full day with the owner of the property sawing those logs apart (and the bastard wouldn’t even give us any type of a refund on our lost day of diving, despite us using our paid day helping clear HIS camp.

Luckily, there weren’t any significant injuries as an ambulance would have never made it into the camp. However, one fellow dive did have a tree fall on his truck bed. The tree crushed the bed of the truck, compacting it all the way to the frame. It looked exactly like someone took a baseball bat and smacked the middle of an empty soda can.

Terrifying experience, but yeah, an SUV was the first, and only, option we had.

And my cousin, being one of those types that needs to video everything, happened to catch some of it on tape after we got into the SUV.