Illustration for article titled If Giant Monsters Attack, Is A Modern SUV The Best Place To Be?
CountersteerYour true stories of good and bad things that happen in cars.

As we all know, the year 2020 is widely accepted to be when the Bible’s Book of Galifracians predicts there will be a “Great Stompinating” as hordes of gigantic land-leviathans and other colossal beasts attack our cities, because of our hubris or eating the wrong meats on the wrong days or something religious like that. That’s why it’s more important than ever to address this question: when the giant monsters come, where should you hide? I’ve considered it, and I think a modern SUV is your best bet.


If you open your Bible and flip to Galifracians 15:11, immediately following the famous line “And thou shalt submarineth forth...” you find the description of the carnage, and it’s mostly a lot of huge feet stomping on things, smashing buildings, tails and tentacles whacking into things, and things being grabbed, chewed, and dropped.

That’s why I firmly believe that when this happens if you want to survive, get your ass into a modern SUV.


The good news here is that modern SUVs are absolutely goddamn everywhere, so finding one should be no issue. While most modern cars will work in a pinch, a modern SUV is the best choice for riding out the Stompinating.

It’s got very little to do with how SUVs actually are as usable vehicles—in that context, they tend to be too bulky, not roomy enough, handle crappily, aren’t very efficient, and generally would be better served by a station wagon or something.

Illustration for article titled If Giant Monsters Attack, Is A Modern SUV The Best Place To Be?

But in the context of being, say, stepped on by a giant mutant ox hoof, they start to make more sense: the higher ride height, increased wheel/suspension travel, and large tires of an SUV allow for more energy absorption when being stepped on, and, since they have to meet modern car crash standards, SUVs are full of airbags and crumple zones and safety unibody cages that work as well for both high-speed collisions with other cars and objects as they would for high-speed collisions with swinging tentacles or limbs.


Our own Justin Westbrook claimed he’d rather hide in, say, the New York subway tunnels when the giant monkeys or whatever come, and I think that’s foolish. Aside from being trapped in a urine-soaked tunnel full of other panicked New Yorkers, those giant monster feet could just smash through the ground and rain rubble into those claustrophobic tunnels, and then no amount of stolen bodega Snickers bars will help you, Justin.

And then, of course, there are the CHUDS.

Compare that to being holed up in a premium SUV, comfortable in your own climate-controlled, leather-slathered mini-bunker, listening to the dire news on satellite radio, and, if an errant foot or tentacle actually comes your way, a-smashing, confident in knowing you’re in a steel cage designed to keep you alive even when slammed into things at pretty high speeds.


What do you think? What’s your plan if you get caught by a rampaging giant monster? SUV or in a building? Underground? Cyanide tooth? Let us know!

Senior Editor, Jalopnik • Running: 1973 VW Beetle, 2006 Scion xB, 1990 Nissan Pao, 1991 Yugo GV Plus, 2020 Changli EV • Not-so-running: 1973 Reliant Scimitar, 1977 Dodge Tioga RV (also, buy my book!)

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