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I Am Going Into Hiding

A rendering of UnvarnishedCo’s Malibu-based gated development called The Case. It will, as the New York Post describes, “... house five mansions and include 24/7 security for its residents. The compound is also equipped to fend off another kind of disaster: each mansion has its own water cannon to fight fires, and private firefighters will be on call. The first Case mansion sold for $40 million last spring; a second is on the market for $100 million.”
A rendering of UnvarnishedCo’s Malibu-based gated development called The Case. It will, as the New York Post describes, “... house five mansions and include 24/7 security for its residents. The compound is also equipped to fend off another kind of disaster: each mansion has its own water cannon to fight fires, and private firefighters will be on call. The first Case mansion sold for $40 million last spring; a second is on the market for $100 million.”
Photo: UnvarnishedCo

Wouldn’t you know it, I wake up this morning and hear the servants whispering to each other about this so-called covid-19 virus. It’s a pandemic, they say. This is so fucking inconvenient. I had a lot of important shit planned this quarter.

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So what do I have to do now? I have to go into hiding. There’s no other option. Go into quarantine, lock it all down, and wait for this thing to blow over. The trick here is to outlive either the virus or humanity, whichever goes first. And then emerge to sweep up the resources left behind. Profit from the shattered economy. Textbook stuff. This is by no means a roadblock. It’s just a bump. Thanks for the concern, though! You’re so sweet.

By the way, there will be no “escaping to/colonizing Mars” over this shit, I don’t care what the tech clowns tell you. Are you fucking kidding me? Mars? There’s no staff up there, geniuses! You’re telling me you’d rather shoot yourself off to a faraway planet just to do your own landscaping? That’s your big dream? If that’s the case, be my guest but please leave the oxygen supply behind when you go.

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No, I’ve been busy all day (not that you’d know what that’s like, you indolent cur) packing and preparing supplies and putting my affairs in order—making sure various properties are locked down, Swiss accounts are healthy, “elected” officials blackmailed. The usual.

I won’t disclose my location, of course, but rest assured that it’s a specialized bunker I had commissioned exactly for situations such as these. (The shack pictured above is just an example. I wouldn’t post a real photo, and besides that, mine is much bigger.) When you have a lot of enemies, always be ready to go at a moment’s notice. You can have that piece of advice for free.

Just the packing list left to consult now. In times such as these, it’s important to stick to the basics:

  • 1,000 gold bars (obviously)
  • 1,000 platinum bars
  • 1,000 silver bar
  • Mercedes-Benz yacht
  • Pet ostrich
  • Pet white rhinoceros
  • Pet crocodile
  • Pet snow leopard
  • Pet golden eagle
  • Pet Siberian tiger
  • Pet African elephant
  • Pet anaconda
  • Pet great white shark
  • Pet whale shark
  • Pet condor
  • Pet polar bear
  • Pet Bornean orangutan
  • 17,000 cases of Dom
  • Tuesday private jet
  • Saturday private jet
  • 14 pairs of Gucci slides
  • 14 Rolls-Royce Phantoms (to match)
  • Black marble massage table
  • Diamond crystal-infused water bottle
  • 50 kilgrams beluga caviar
  • Steinway concert grand piano (the emerald inlaid one)
  • 4,287-piece handbag collection (earth tones only, nobody should be flaunting flashy colors during a lockdown)
  • Personal submarine
  • 2 bluefin tuna
  • Michaelangelo’s “David”
  • Collapsable tennis court
  • Destroyer
  • Fabergé egg
  • Iguanacolossus fossil
  • Cloning lab
  • Hydraulic press
  • Ming Dynasty ceramic set
  • California king dove feather mattress
  • Volcanic rock soaking tub
  • 800 kilograms of rosewater bath mix
  • 87 silk robes
  • Loose rubies (for pedicures)
  • 14 bottles Pappy Van Winkle (23-Year-Old)
  • Patek Phillippe collection
  • 50 kilograms cocaine
  • Polished silver personal grooming kit
  • Arabian horse
  • Staff to Arabian horse
  • 3 tanks
  • 4 APCs
  • Armored trencher machine
  • 1,500 sticks of dynamite
  • Guns
  • Ammunition
  • Blades (don’t need reloading; this is wisdom gleaned from Max Brooks)
  • Shoe polishers
  • Medical staff
  • Sushi chefs
  • Landscapers
  • Crepe-makers
  • Hairdressers
  • 4 retired Mossad assassins
  • Sommeliers
  • Manicurist
  • Bartender

That should cover the bare necessities.

I’m also forcing all staff to abide by an 18-foot minimum social distance. I know the recommended amount is six feet, but I’m at least three times as important as you. Everyone who enters my orbit must do so in a hazmat suit, the filthy scum.

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My fellow superyacht owners, fleeing to open waters in the hope of outrunning the virus, are finding there’s a shortage. A shortage, yes, of yacht nurses. This is what happens when you don’t adequately plan. This is what happens when you don’t pack the basics. Every bug out kit needs an accompanying medical staff! Stupid, stupid, stupid!

Now more than ever, it’s clear that money can buy a great many things, but it will never buy good taste nor good sense. Good riddance to that.

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I see the rest of the plebeian imbeciles out there, raiding grocery stores, hoarding all the toilet paper and canned goods for themselves. Utter fools, the lot of them, with no survival sense whatsoever. When all the world falls to shit, the only thing that matters is who’s got the most precious metals and the biggest gun.

Let them tear themselves apart. I’ll be waiting.

Writer at Jalopnik and consumer of many noodles.

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DISCUSSION

halftrackelcamino
Half-track El Camino

You’ll be missed, Kristen. You’re an excellent writer and I’ve enjoyed your work here immensely. I wish you all the best.

As a side note, it seems like over the last 2-3 months Jalopnik has gone from having almost half its regular writers be women to… none of them. Am I missing anyone? Sorry if so, but it seems like a shame. In such an intensely male-dominated subculture, it was great to have that representation. It didn’t hurt that they were all fantastic writers, either.

I feel like I discovered this place just as it started hollowing out. Turnover here has been insane, and I’m expecting to see the whole site vanish any day now.