As everyone in the has-swum-in-a-pool-of-money community knows, Bugatti is currently developing the successor to the Veyron supercar, which will be known as the Chiron. At great expense in blood, in money, and in dignity, we have managed to learn 10 key facts about the new car. Here they are.
1. Due to the limitations of conventional horsepower to rate the new 48.2-liter W32 engine, the Chiron is rated using a new metric, and as a result will have 7204 Anabolic Steroid Horse Power (ASHP), which is like horsepower, but is based on the output of a horse taking a horse steroid like Equipoise or nandrolone.
2. Early tests of the Chiron mules attempting to reach its top speed (still unknown) have resulted in the test drivers’ brains liquefying. Bugatti engineers are planning a system to drain the liquified brains out of the bottom of the car to preserve the upholstery.
3. The Chiron will have a hybrid system that’s used to augment the combustion engine to improve acceleration and fuel economy. With the system, at full throttle, the 48-gallon tank will only empty in 67 seconds. The system shuns batteries and is instead powered by a captive quantum singularity (known as a black hole), provided by a deal with the Large Hadron Collider.
4. The Chiron will be the first car to offer a ‘living glove box’ — a specially bred marsupial that has a pouch that can hold up to 4 lbs. of your manuals, spare bulbs, unpaid parking tickets, etc.
5. Actor Nathan Lane has already pre-ordered two.
6. Two main versions of the Chiron will be available: one that is fully drivable, and one that replaces the entire drivetrain with a replica, cast in solid 24K gold. This version, known as the Chiron Premiere Edition, is specially designed to be placed in a garage and never moved again.
7. The Chiron Premiere Edition has to be refilled with Unicorn blood (Bugatti has genetically engineered Unicorns from horses and narwhals, and will have a population of about 1500 when the car is released) every month or the car will combust and destroy itself.
8. The Chiron Premiere Edition also has a special dust-phobic paint formulation, and is guaranteed to be able to be left sitting in a garage an entire century before appreciable dust buildup occurs.
9. The Chiron Premiere Edition comes standard with an internet-connected drone that takes pictures of the car at all angles and Instagrams and Tweets the pictures on a daily basis. The cost of the car and the running tally of maintenance costs (unicorn blood, climate control systems, etc) is automatically Tweeted out hourly. The Premiere Edition also comes with a flatbed towing service that lets the owner tow and be seen in public with the car at up to 50 locations every year.
10. Bugatti is paving a vast section of the Nevada desert to build the only track capable of driving a Chiron on to its full potential. Since this will result in the death of the driver, every drivable Chiron owner gets Bugatti’s Final Days Package, where the owner can choose to end their life by flooring their Chiron for the first time, after which Bugatti will bury them in their car and perform a full funeral.
Contact the author at jason@jalopnik.com.