Here Are 10 April Fools' Day Posts We Didn't Bother To Write

Illustration for article titled Here Are 10 April Fools' Day Posts We Didn't Bother To Write
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Oh boy! It’s April Fools’ Day! That one day of the year where all the companies get to say fake things and get big laffs everywhere and everyone’s delighted at all the japes cascading around and no one is just tired and sick of it all, already. We don’t really do April Fools’ posts here at Jalopnik, because I believe making shit up for giggles is a right we have all year long. Not just one day. That doesn’t mean we don’t still consider it, so here’s ten April Fools’ posts we didn’t bother writing.

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1. Volkswagen To Change Name To Voltswagen After All

This one would have been that VW is, after all the mess, going to change their name to Voltswagen, for reals this time. It also would be just a mean-spirited jab at all of our sweetly dumb auto journo pals who, somehow, thought they could believe anything goofy a carmaker says within a week of April 1.

We were not buying it.

In the end it just felt too mean, too much giving in to that inner bully to call out all of the writers who, bafflingly, felt betrayed by this dorky-ass, quarter-ass marketing stunt. Come on, people.

Yes, never forget Dieselgate, but I think this really isn’t the same.

2. Mercedes F1 Announces That They’re Going To A Steel Bolt On The Rear Shock Mount

Rory thought we should try making some really deep-cut, painfully insider “jokes” about technical minutiae. Rory explained this one:

“the joke is that everyone knows that only titanium is suitable for that application.”

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Duh, Rory.

Anyway, this led to

3. New 3M Grommet Compound To Revolutionize Doorlatch Impact Absorption Forever

This one I was going to fill with a lot of really hyperbolic, profanity-laden quotes, like Mary Barra, CEO of GM, saying something like

“Holy fuck, I about shit my goddamn pants when I slammed the door on a test Corvette with this new grommet and holy fucking shit, you would not fucking believe how it felt. The grommet, it just sort of took the force of the slam and and—fuck!”

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But then I realized I didn’t feel like dealing with all the emails about my trousers-mouth.

4. GM To Issue Recall For All Cars And Trucks Made Since 1974 To Find Gold Pen Worker Thinks He Left In A Door Panel

Conceptually, I like this idea, still. Some retired worker from some assembly plant just remembered that he lost a gold pen in a door panel, but can’t recall what car or when. It could be a 1975 Oldsmobile Cutlass or even a 2018 GMC Savana, made just before he retired last year.

“It was a gift from my uncle and is engraved with initials, I think, or maybe a lion?”

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Ex-owners were encouraged to track down their old cars in junkyards to see if it’s still in there.

Then, I started getting goofier:

5. Ford To Recall All Explorers Made Since 2010 Since The P in Park Stood For Pickles And They Need To Change It To Park

See, even though it’s just a “P,” Ford knows it meant it to stand for “pickles” instead of “park” due to a clerical error, and it wasn’t caught until it was moving a bunch of documents out of storage and found a document that states that on transmissions that are code 5R55S, the P stands for “pickles.”

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It would have gone on from there.

6. Harley-Davidson’s Long Term Plans Includes Development Of Motorcycle Dead Boomers Can Buy

Then I just got mean, again. That led to just some bad ideas, like

7. Mitsubishi Announces That They Will No Longer Sell Cars To Christians Just To See How That Plays Out

That would have been a mess. I reverted to dumb obscure stuff like this

8. U.S. DOT Announces Turn Signal Colors Getting Too Citrus-y, Issues Mandate To Make them More Amber

I think for this I’d have put in two identical orange squares and labeled one as the one the DOT didn’t want, and the other as the proposed new color.

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9. Elon Musk Tweets That By 2025 All Tesla Service Centers Will Be On Mars To Provide More Convenient Service

I mean, I had to have at least one Tesla/Elon thing, right?

10. SAE Announces New Level 6 Of Autonomy, Where The Sentient Car No Longer Gives A Shit About Driving Your Stupid Ass Anywhere

That one would have just written itself.

Anyway, enjoy April Fools’! Remember, there’s nothing funnier than an April Fools’ joke, no matter the consequences! My remaining family still laughs at the insulin gag I pulled on my brother Mendel when he was 14! RIP, Mendel.

Senior Editor, Jalopnik • Running: 1973 VW Beetle, 2006 Scion xB, 1990 Nissan Pao, 1991 Yugo GV Plus, 2020 Changli EV • Not-so-running: 1977 Dodge Tioga RV (also, buy my book!: https://rb.gy/udnqhh)

DISCUSSION

hammerheadfistpunch
HammerheadFistpunch

10. SAE Announces New Level 6 Of Autonomy, Where The Sentient Car No Longer Gives A Shit About Driving Your Stupid Ass Anywhere

That one would have just written itself.”

Dammit do I respect the subtle genius of this dad joke.