Donald Trump, a tremendously classy and successful scrotum given the power of human speech by a high-energy successful warlock, is, of course, running for CEO of America. Last night he edged a little closer to that office. To get to all the places he needs to be a winner in, he needs to travel fast, through the skies. The best way to do that is with this gold-slathered Boeing 757.

Thrill to this virtual walk-through of Trump Force I, a 1991 Boeing 757 that started life with Sterling Airlines, a defunct Danish cut-rate airline.


Trump bought it in 2011, and spent considerable money gutting it and then classing the everliving shit out of the inside. And, yeah, this video is about five years old, but this is still Trump’s plane, so we may as well check it out now in order to prepare for his inevitable takeover of the country.

Just watch that video. It’s like he gave a huge pile of gold a roofie and then let it vomit all over the plane. Almost everything metallic has been covered in 24K gold, even the seat belt buckles – the part that goes inside the slot, too, because you want to know that thing is gold, even if you can’t see it. What are you, an animal?

There’s a dining room, where the remaining warehouses of Trump Steaks™ are thawed and fed by the stackful to Trump and his lucky guests, forced elegantly into supple, tanned mouths fistful by bloody, moist fistful.


There’s a full screening room, of course, which the lovely Amanda Miller, who looks kind of like whatshisname’s daughter from Girls, likes to eat tiny pretzel grids and watch, gleefully, movies about gunfire and explosions:

Also fascinating is that the plane’s infotainment system includes a “special T button” that gives “God access” to Trump’s own home and his own collection of movies:


It’s good to know that the future King President can relax and watch Air Bud and The Adventures of Ichabod and Mr. Toad whenever absolutely necessary.

There’s so much to learn here! Mr.Trumps bedroom has “yards and yards” of elegant silks and a gold-plated sink and is packed full of all of the riches and spices of Araby, or something. There’s probably mirrh and frankincense insulation behind those wooden walls, and real Kraken’s beak inlays on every flat surface.


Why is Donald Trump trying to be president? Doesn’t he realize what a miserable downgrade Air Force One will be? Or that hardly anything is gold-slathered on there? No wonder America has basically vanished from the Earth; we need to gold-plate everything until things start making sense again.

Anyway, now you know where Donald Trump lounges, in the finest Nova Scotia salmon-lined silken underpants, as he tries to remember who klansmen are.


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