Have you always wanted a Lotus Esprit, but held off from buying one because you felt it wouldn’t fit with your reputation as the Ed Gein of teddy bears? Then boy are you in luck, because you can buy this 1977 Lotus Esprit S1 on Ebay.
From the outside, this looks like a nice little Lotus Esprit, in a lovely vivid yellow and having a wedgetacular ‘70s look. It’s got under 38,000 miles, and the engine looks clean and well-maintained. Seems great, right?
Once you open the door, though, it gets a little complicated. It’s clean, sure, everything seems in place, but the interior is, um, well, fuzzy. Fuzzy and brown, like a massive teddy bear exploded inside the car.
Every surface is covered in something that looks like it could be the flayed skin of Rowlf the Dog, noted Muppet and pianist, from the instrument binnacle to the seats to the dashboard itself to the shift boot. Fuzzy brown fur, everywhere you look, see, touch.
It feels like some sick fuck gave a Wookie a buzzcut and then turned them inside out and crammed you inside, gripping a leather-wrapped wheel as you scream, silently and internally, in terror.
Maybe there’s someone out there who’d find this, um, cozy? To me it just seems like you’d be condemning yourself to a lifetime of vacuuming and regular rentals of a surly robot known as the Rug Doctor, whose steaming rage at dirt makes him an unpredictable menace to us all.
The opening bid is right about $65,000, and nobody’s taken the fuzzy bait yet, so if you’re a very specific kind of fetishist who fantasizes about being smothered by teddy bears while carving up winding roads at high speeds, get that checkbook ready.
(fuzzy bearskin hat-tip to Sahjeev Mehta)