Everything You Need to Buy With Your Mega Millions $1.28 Billion Jackpot

Now that you’ve made it big, you’ll be picnicking with the big kids — the likes of Bezos, Musk, and Lee. You can’t be rolling up in some mass-produced vehicle, that’s what the poors buy. You’re no prole, not any more. You’ve risen above your station, become something more, rinsed yourself of putrid stench of the unwashed masses. You need something coachbuilt.

And, what better coachbuilt picnic cruiser than the Rolls-Royce Boat Tail? You’re rich now, you love boats. The one-off Rolls will only run you a mere $28 million (the most expensive price ever for a brand-new car), leaving you plenty with which to stock up on charcuterie. Or rather, to pay someone to stock up for you — you won’t be caught dead doing your own grocery shopping.

Lottery winnings remaining: $992,000,000

You’ve spent $28 million so far, which means you still have just under a billion left in the lottery winnings bank. Clearly, we need to start spending faster. How about the most expensive car ever sold at auction? Surely, that’ll make a dent.

That would be this 1955 Mercedes-Benz 300 SLR, which sold at RM Sotheby’s earlier this year. It raked in $142 million, but that’s pocket change to you — you’re a billionaire, come on. Well, an $850,000,000-aire after this. Goodbye three-comma club.

Lottery winnings remaining: $850,000,000

Sure, they’re luxe, but boat tails and classic Mercedes are boring. You can use them to flaunt or stunt, but you can’t use them to really get the wind in your hair out on a track. For that, you’re going to need something a little more hard-edged.

Allow me to introduce the $17.5 million Pagani Zonda HP Barchetta, for all your track-day needs. You can even use it to stunt on Mark Zuckerberg and his laughable base-model Huayra. Sure, he may have you beat on the income front by orders of magnitude, but whose car has more exposed carbon and plaid?

Lottery winnings remaining: $832,500,000 

The average American life expectancy is just under 80 years, but as a newfound person of means you’ll likely last a bit longer than that. We’ll give you until the age of ninety, but also take into consideration that you need to be eighteen to actually win the lottery. That means you’ll need 72 years of car storage, and why not get it in the most expensive place imaginable? You’re good for it.

On average, parking in New York City runs about $570 per month. But you aren’t average, you’re exceptional — you need the best. You’ll need luxury spots for those three, and why rent when you can own? Let’s find you three first-floor spots in a luxury building, to the tune of $185,000 each. Taxes and common charges are extra, but they’re a pittance to one as established as yourself.

Lottery winnings remaining: $831,945,000

Look, Jeffy B knows the boat isn’t bringing his old life back, and now it’s just stuck behind some bridge in the Netherlands. At this point, it’s becoming more hassle than it’s worth to him, so why not sell it to you?

The big boat is rumored to have cost around half a billion dollars to produce, and I can’t imagine Ol Jeff wants to take a bath on the thing. Let’s assume you can bargain him down to no profit on it either. See if you can get two-day shipping too.

Lottery winnings remaining: $331,945,000

Why buy cars when you can buy car companies? Lordstown Motors has a market cap of just under $455 million, but you’ll only need a majority stake to take control. 51% of that market cap comes out to $232,038,270 and grants you ownership of a company that is totally, definitely, absolutely coming out with a production truck this year, for realsies.

You’ve got the cars, the luxury parking, the boats, the floundering business venture. This is it for you, you’ve really made it. You’re a certified Rich Person now. So why not buy the things that the real, real rich people buy?

Lottery winnings remaining: $99,906,730

Legend has it that Bezos still owns the 1996 Honda Accord he purchased after he attained three-comma status. According to Kelley Blue Book, that would cost you a cool $1,800 today. Sure, it’s a frivolity, but you’ve found yourself in possession of the amount of money he makes every five days — why not live a little?

Oh, yeah, you thought you were rolling with the big dogs now? Sorry: Bezos, Musk and the like are still living on another level. Yeah, you can afford all the greatest of life’s luxuries, but you’re still in little league. The difference between your billion and Bezos’s $144 billion is roughly $143 billion.

Lottery winnings remaining: $99,904,930

Musk famously claimed to live in a $50,000 house on SpaceX property. Sure, he may or may not also have access to an estate encompassing 8,000 square feet of interior space, but let’s focus on the house we know he owns. It’s apparently a Boxabl Casita, a folding prefab house from a startup whose website offers lots of investing opportunities but not a lot of info on pricing for their various models.

Musk could buy Bezos out for every dollar he’s worth, plus about 80 times your life-altering lottery prize. No one’s really sure why he lives in a tiny prefab home, other than that he’s bored and eccentric. He’d never have to live there.

Lottery winnings remaining: $99,854,930

Well, screw it. If you can’t live like the ultra-wealthy, why not live out the dreams of the rest of us? Why not get yourself a fleet of the best reasonably-priced sports car? Why not get an exhaustive fleet?

Mazda sold 17,218 Miatas in the U.S. for 1997, and Kelley Blue Book values them each at $5,767 a pop. It’s hard to cry about not truly entering the top echelons of society when you’ve got the wind in your face, and you can dry those tears from behind the wheel of a different wide-eyed roadster every day for 47 years.

Lottery winnings remaining: $558,724

Shit, shit, no one said you had to pay taxes on lottery winnings! Those are just supposed to be included, like that time you won the Subway Monopoly game from the side of a Sprite cup. You gotta get out of the country, and fast.

Montenegro will allow you to purchase citizenship for 250,000 euros, plus another 200,000 in government donations. That totals out to $458,826.75. You’ve got that. You can afford it. Montenegro doesn’t even have an extradition treaty with the U.S., so you’ll be safe there.

Lottery winnings remaining: $99,897.25

Look, you’re on the lam now. It’s not glamorous, but you’ll be safe here. The IRS can’t come after you, and you can start anew in Montenegro. You just need a place to sleep until the heat dies down.

This apartment in Bar should do the trick. It’s nothing much, but it’s got walls and a roof and a shower. There’s even a garden in a park across the street, so you can pretend you’re back in America, brunching from the back of the Boat Tail with the billionaires. Shit, they’re gonna confiscate the Boat Tail, aren’t they?

Lottery winnings remaining: $13,237.79

This is it, your new daily driver for your new life. It’s nothing fancy, but it gets you from point A to point B well enough. The fuel economy’s even pretty good if you keep your foot out of it. It’s a simpler life you’ve found here, without your Mercedes or Pagani, but a life all the same. Maybe next time you won’t chase the top of the tops when you get your winnings in.

Lottery winnings remaining: $3,043.94. Spend it on groceries.