A company calling itself Advocate Auto Consultants says they're afraid this week's Endeavour space shuttle launch will cause drivers to look away from the road and crash. First, you're morons. Second, Floridians never need an excuse to crash.
Bugatti Veyron driver: "I was startled by a low-flying pelican. The shuttle had nothing to do with it."
VW New Beetle driver: "So I was, like, driving along the freeway, and then, like, I saw this craaaaaazy cool streak of light off on the right, so I, like, looked, and saw this big fire over at the coffeehouse where me and my friends hang out, and I was like, 'Oh no, I hope none of my friends are in there,' and then I was like, 'No, we're all in my car headed up to the beach to lay out for the hot guys,' and so I was then like, 'Wow, that was really
scary,' and then this other car just came from, like, nowhere, and I hit the thing, and of course now I'm like, 'OMG, my insurance is going to like, jump really high,' and only after we stopped did I notice that there was this really rad like, rocket thing flying over there in the sky."
1987 Chevrolet Camaro driver: "Me and Jolene, we wuz drivin' back to our double-wide over thar in Daytoner, and all of a sudden, this great big ol' possum comes a'wanderin' out into the street. Well, shoot, Jolene and I wuz wonderin' what we wuz gonna do about supper, so I done run over the little critter, and then me an Jolene wuz gonna pull over to grab us our din din. I suppose I didn't check my blind spot back thar and hit some old woman in one of those tiny forrin' cars. I wuz thinkin' too much about food to be distracted by that thar space rocket thing."
Toyota Camry driver: "Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...huh? What? I crashed? Sorry, I guess I dozed off due to the beigeness of my car. There was a shuttle launch today?"
Rolls-Royce Silver Seraph Mulliner Park Ward owner: "I'm not sure why my Rolls-Royce is now a tangled steel ingot, but rest assured, officer, that the chauffeur behind the wheel has been, shall we say, permanently retired?"
Cadillac Fleetwood driver: "Oy vey! I was reading a billboard for the new Andy Williams show at the Copa, and that jersey barrier just came out of nowhere. Fortunately we were only going 20 mph on I-95 due to the painful boil on Ethel's tuchis, so there's just a little shmutz on the left side of the car. You got a lot of chutzpah claiming I was distracted by that shuttle mishegas!"
Chrysler Sebring driver: "I'm sorry, officer, that I crashed into this telephone pole. I blame it on the paper bag I wear over my head so nobody recognizes me in this embarrassment of a motor vehicle. I couldn't have seen the shuttle launch even if I had wanted to."
Nissan Leaf driver: "Sorry, I was frantically looking for an outlet before my...oh, great!"
Ferarri 458 driver: "Yo, dumbass! Can't you see my entire fucking car was on fire? Of course I jumped out and left it on the side of the freeway! You think I'm stupid or something? I don't give a shit about the shuttle."
Plymouth Superbird driver: "Because racecar."