We’re living in some deeply weird, unsettling times. That smug-ass COVID-19 virus has managed to force humanity’s pudgy finger onto the global pause button, bringing most economic and social life to a screeching halt. Every press release I’ve gotten in the past few days has been one huge company or another informing me of their Coronavirus plan, which is almost invariably something like hunkering down and laying low until the shit blows over. Well, every press release except for two, both of which come from vehicle lighting manufacturers.
The first one I got today was titled, boldy:
UNITED PACIFIC INDUSTRIES’ AWARD-WINNING ONE-PIECE STYLE SEQUENTIAL LED TAILLIGHTS FOR 1955 CHEVROLET CARS NOW ON SALE
...and just in case that’s not clear enough for you motherfuckers, let me make it abundantly clear: as of today, in the middle of the biggest pandemic most of us have seen in our lifetimes, owners of 1955 Chevrolets can now finally replace their sad, old, cracked, dim, single 1157 bulb taillights with brand new super-bright taillights with 48 LEDs.
Just look at these beauties:
The styling is exact, but now with super-bright LEDs! And there’s even an animated turn signal. All in the same style lens as the original! Finally, the real victims of this whole mess—1955 Chevy owners—are now getting what they need from United Pacific.
Hot fucking damn!
According to UP’s press release, these badass motherfuckers are plug-and-play compatible with cars old enough for retirement!
Additionally, a brake “attention” feature is also available with a sequence-once function. Each taillight assembly (sold separately) offers plug-and-play operation with a 1157-type connector. The electronics of each taillight is sealed in epoxy for moisture and corrosion resistance, while a solid state circuit board is engineered for any 12-volt electrical system.
All this and a brake “attention” feature? Take that, you stupid virus. You look like a basketball with mushrooms growing out of it, too, bee tee dubs.
If that’s not enough for you, Boise, Idaho-based ECCO announced today their new ED3760 Series Running Board Lights:
Hot fucking damn, right? These come in 24, 36, 60, and 72-inch lengths, and you can have them in red, amber, or blue, paired with white LEDs. According to the press release,
The sync-capable lights offer 32 flash patterns including a steady-burn function for each color. The LEDs can be dimmed to provide a driving light function or on-site indicator.
Wait, you may be asking yourself, are they SAE-rated? Bitch, you know they are! What about IP67 certification? Shit, you know better than to ask that! Of course they are! Did you read something in here about ECCO fucking around with this shit?
No. No, you didn’t.
Everyone, please take note: while the world panics, locks themselves in (I mean, for very rational reasons, don’t spread this virus), and emotionally shuts down, Big Taillight and Warning Light is out there, announcing bold new innovations, glowing redly at that motherfucking COVID-19, just daring it to blink.