Your response to the concept of a LeMons Babes & Beaters Calendar was overwhelming, so I've got the first month ready for you!

Yeah, I was going to do the entire year, but I haven't had time to design the damn thing. Instead, I went to artist Jeannette Copperwaite, creator of the Road Rage Roundup animated logo, and offered to replace her '90 Tercel's snapped-off headlight-switch/turn-signal lever with a genuine, junkyard-obtained Toyota replacement part in exchange for some design work. Yeah, it's just April, and I know we've already burned the first four days of the month, but you're gettin' it for free! Just download it, print it out yourself (preferably at work, because it's your duty to use The Man's printer for personal use whenever possible), and stick it on your garage wall with a smear of 90-weight. You'll get the next 11 months… when I'm good and ready.

Not only does the calendar hip you to such important holidays as Buddha's birthday and Barbados National Heroes Day, it'll get you howling at the moon with a maddening, ungovernable lust when your bulgin' optics catch a glimpse of Barbary Coast Burlesque performers Lady Satan and Ruby White posing provocatively with the 146th-place Black Death Cressida. You NorCal types can catch the Barbary Coast Burlesque act in person at the Red Devil Lounge in San Francisco on the night of April 14th.