I’ve been reviewing mountains of largely fictional data about consumer car-buying habits in the very difficult automotive-sales year we just left, and let me tell you, some of the facts I’m learning/making up are absolutely fascinating. Even with the chip shortage and massive supply chain issues and absurd prices, people bought plenty of new cars, and they optioned out those new cars with lots of decisiveness. But there were some options that just couldn’t find many takers, and I want to talk about those here. Even if, again, I just made them up.
I had my intern, Clavicle Fictionalmann, tabulate the options selected for every new car sold in America last year, and I made him do it by hand, on paper, because he’s a little jackass and I love making him hurt.
Then, I had him carry the stacks of documents, a pile that was easily four feet high, and then shoved him down some stairs. Boy, was he pissed! Idiot.
Anyway, after all of Clavicle’s hard work, it seems these ten options were the least requested on new cars, across all brands, makes, regions, everything.
So, here you go: the least requested new car options of 2021:
1. Pedal delete
This one is extremely unpopular, as the removal of the pedals—without replacement hand controls, it’s worth noting—makes most cars virtually undriveable.
2. Level 2 Wheel Full-Scrape Curb Assist System
For drivers that have trouble parking so close to the curb that the rims of their expensive, glossy wheels abrade themselves against the rough curbs, this system uses ultrasonic sensors and cameras to insure that every single wheel gets a ring of scraped-off paint and deep gouges.
As an L2 semi-automated system, FSCAS requires the driver keep their hands on the wheel while the car scrapes the shit out of the wheels.
3. XM Cable Radio
Even though the XM Cable Radio system gives higher-quality sound and no loss of signal in tunnels, mines, or sewers, most car buyers were put off by the massive spools of cabling needed for the system to work.
4. Glove Box Humidifier
Despite being the best way to keep the interior of your glove box a dank, wet, mold-friendly compartment, very few car buyers opted for this option.
5. 3M Perma-Sticky Carpets
Adhesives powerhouse 3M has the ability to produce automotive carpeting that retains a constant level of sticky tackiness equivalent to a class-four movie theater floor—that is, able to remove loafers in dry conditions—but hardly anyone decided to take advantage of this carpet advancement.
6. Fresnel “Face Melter” Sun Visors
Due to most people’s innate desire not to get their faces scorched by a focused beam of sunlight, emitting smoke, causing pain, and filling their car’s interior with the sickly-sweet stench of roasting human flesh, precious few people decided to option their cars with sun visors made from fresnel lenses.
7. Zune Auto
Despite being updated with an all-new UX, full support for .WAV files, and full Napster support, almost nobody chose to have full in-dash Zune support.
8. Air Purification System With Interchangeable Cheese Cartridges
Mercedes-Benz made these sorts of air fragrance/purifier systems popular, but despite the technology making it to more carmakers, hardly anyone opted for the cheese-scent-based systems, even when they came with swappable CheeseSmell cartridges that guaranteed your car would smell like a fresh wheel of Roquefort for up to seven months.
9. Electric Seat Clammifiers
Seat heaters and cooling systems remain popular, yet the option to be able to make your seat up to eight levels of clammy has yet to catch on, despite how effective these systems are.
10. Dashboard Dynamic Ham Clamp System
I guess people are still eating wet, dripping hams with their hands while they drive, because almost nobody chose to outfit their car with the Hormel-developed Dynamic Ham Clamp System that is capable of clamping in place a full-sized honey-baked ham, and uses cameras and face-tracking AI software to make sure the ham is always in biting distance, no matter what you’re doing in the car.
I guess people just don’t like nice things?